Little late this year, but our annual time of remembrance of all the shitty movies we willingly subjected ourselves to over the past year is at hand once again.
-sniff, sniff-
What’s that I smell?
Could it be?
It is!
It’s shameless self-promotion for past works that I (and my associates) have put out for your “enjoyment.” Below you can find 3 years of bad movies we’ve watched. The format has shifted (and improved in my opinion) each year, and these serve as a nice little catalogue anyone could pull from for planning their own bad movie night…if you’re into that sort of thing.
This very well may be the last time I do this. Given I’m going to be kind of a regular ghost when it comes to this blog from now on, I did my best to make the best of the 4 in terms of formatting and overall access to content.
Whereas last year’s theme was CRAZY STALKER MOVIES (we had a couple of those this year), this year we did a deep dive into ANGST-RIDDEN MAGIC TEENAGER MOVIES. This meant covering all of the Twilight films as well as some rip-offs and predecessors.
Let’s set the stage…for the final time(?)…
Here’s how the two rating system’s will go:
Pretty simple to understand, right? Sometimes Ken will add a note to the movie randomly, which I have included sporadically here.
Patrick’s is…well, potato-based? I mean, sometimes it is. Other times he strays off his own system into something a bit more experimental but it’s if this is how he wants to rate movies, who am I to stop him?
Typically, I don’t add a review but seeing as how this is the (probably) the last time I’m going to do this, I thought what the hell? I’m only doing ones for movies I feel could use a bit more description, I disagree with the other two guys or I just have something to add. My “reviews” will be more less whether I thought the film was worth watching or not akin to Ken’s but with a bit more description.
One last thing: instead of going movie-by-movie for descriptions, I’ve included hyperlinks to the trailer for each on the title. All you have to do is click on it. Ain’t that nice?
The Fateful 54 (as rated by Ken, Patrick and sometimes Tyler):
Ken: A
Patrick: Some good ol’ French fries. Enjoyable, but not the cream of the crop.
Ken: F
Patrick: Moldy potato. Yuck.
Tyler: They’re terrible movies with terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE relationship lessons to impart on potentially impressionable viewers, but I have fun with the Grey franchise. It’s cheesy, nonsense garbage produced on a grand scale that you don’t see too often anymore. Would I recommend them? Meh.
Ken: A+
Patrick: Poutine, please. Insanity ensues with the craziest of stunts. Good, good muscle boys.
4. Death Note
Ken: F
Patrick: Potato peels at the bottom of a trash can. I haven’t seen the anime, but I hope it’s not like this garbage movie.
Tyler: Yeah, this was pretty bad. Not to much of a surprise but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least hoping for something redeemable out of it and there are some noteworthy things here and there. We have a proven talent in Adam Wingard directing. We have Willem Dafoe as Ryuk, a part he was basically born to play. Lakeith Stanfield is a pretty outstanding choice for L, elevating otherwise meandering material. We even have a score from Atticus Ross (frequent Trent Reznor collaborator) and Leopold Ross that is heavy on the synth. It always sucks when a movie has this much going right for it ultimately winds up a dud. An admirable dud to be sure, but a dud none the less.
Ken: B
Patrick: Baked potato with toppings! Danny DeVito! I can always enjoy a DeVito movie!
Tyler: A cynical Christmas cash grab that is entirely at odds with who its target demographic is supposed to be. Skip. Skip at all costs.
Ken: A+
Best villain of the year. Insane plot. Magic kung fu powers. This one is a winner.
Patrick: Fun kung fu movie. Possibly one of my favorites of the year. Awesome villain, Sho’ Nuff: The Shogun of Harlem.
Ken: B
Halloween murder movies are usually pretty crazy. This one brought it to the next level.
Patrick: Cheesy fries! A strange horror movie with a hilarious evil cult-leading grandpa!
Ken: B
Pretty funny back and forth between the two cop buddies throughout.
Patrick: Baked potato, no toppings. Not a bad action movie with not so good lead actor (Dolph Lundgren).
9. Blind Fury
Ken: A++
BLIND GUY DOES KUNG FU. This one is fun.
Patrick: Super cheese tots! Bacon included. Another really enjoyable. A crazy, blind, kung fu man drives a van blind!
Ken: F
It was as insane as I thought. Overall really boring though.
Patrick: Nasty potato salad.
Tyler: A well-intentioned yet misguided movie that is indicative of Will Smith’s movie choices as of late. It aims to uplift you while continually devolving into unintentional hilarity while also straying into distasteful territory more times than I doubt it meant to.
11. Vampire Academy
Ken: F
Patrick: Dud. A lame Twilight-ish film. Same as above. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Patrick neglected to include an actual potato comparison here, so let’s assume this is another “nasty potato salad” in his book.]
Tyler: More self-aware than Twilight (a small plus), but no less contrived or obnoxious.
12. Cool as Ice
Ken: A
Patrick: Mashed potatoes, forgettable.
Tyler: An absolute stunner in the bad film canon. I have no idea what Patrick means when he says, “Forgettable.” I can name 6 or 7 scenes off the top of my head right now, but I’ll save that for later.
13. Junior
Ken: A+
ARNOLD. DANNY. CRAZY PREGNANCY SCIENCE. ITS GOOD.
Patrick: Oh man! Fully loaded baked potato! Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito have a baby!
Tyler: Why in the name of all that is good is this nightmare 109 minutes?!
14. The Back Up Plan
Ken: C
Patrick: Potato casserole. An romance with a twist ending.
Ken: C
Patrick: Deviled egg! Mostly enjoyable. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Patrick seems to have broken away from the pattern here and selected something non-potato related?]
Tyler: Another live-action anime adaptation that’s largely been forgotten, I’d say Fist of the North Star is mostly boring and you could basically skip it but the action scenes are pretty goddamn spectacular in their attempt to recapture the utter insanity of the anime. So maybe seek out those via YouTube…(points at the clip linked above).
16. Mr. Nanny
Ken: A
A father decides that since his kids keep on making their nannies quit, the best plan is definitely to hire HULK HOGAN as a replacement.
Patrick: Hash browns! Hulk Hogan as a nanny! Funnnny!
17. Ice Cream Man
Ken: C
Crazier than I expected. And I was expecting crazy
Patrick: Just some tater tots.Not a bad cheesy, horror movie featuring an evil ice cream man.
Ken: B
Patrick: Another potato salad. A not-so-good WWE-made Christmas movie.
Tyler: I’m not sure what it is about terrible Christmas movies but I strongly dislike them, even more than your run-of-the-mill terrible movie. So yeah, didn’t care for this and would recommend you stay away because it sucks even with the inclusion of WWE Superstar (and best wrestling heel of the past decade) The Miz as its leading man.
19. Future Wars
Ken: C
Ever wanted a movie with everything in it? This one tries to give you just that.
Patrick: Garlic potatoes. A pretty strange science fiction movie with dinosaurs alive again! Not bad.
20. Blind Witness
Ken: A
A blind lady “witnesses” a murder. Now its time for some crazy antics to solve it!
Patrick: Cheesy scalloped potatoes. A blind lady “witnesses” a murder. Will she solve the murder mystery?
[EDITOR’S NOTE: I don’t think Ken and Patrick intended to make the same joke here, but it’s completely plausible they coordinated.]
Tyler: I’ll go on record and say I thought this one was pretty boring. Outside of it’s kind of clever (stupid) premise and Z-level acting, I’m struggling to remember anything that happened in it.
21. Dark Dungeons
Ken: B
A warning tale about how dangerous RPG playing can be. I didn’t know that we were the coolest kids on campus the whole time! Also it didn’t work in teaching me my lesson. Pretty hilarious.
Patrick: French fries. A movie about how dangerous it is to play Dungeon & Dragons.
Tyler: Worth noting this is a parody of some very real chick tracts (short evangelical gospel tracts/comics) portraying the evils of role-playing games, i.e. it’s intentionally bad/stupid which is something we typically try to avoid here. I gave it a watch though because it sounded choice and was not disappointed by its entertainment value.
22. Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror
Ken: B
Snoop Dogg accidentally commits murder, sacrifices himself to make up for it and then is employed by the Devil to bring in bad souls and these are three of those bad souls’ stories. It would have scored much higher, but it has quite a slow part in the middle.
Patrick: Three short horror movies made by Snoop Dog. Pretty much what you would expect. It’s mediocre, like a baked potato.
Ken: F
WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS?! An animated version of the Titanic with talking animals and an octopus with a mouse face in which no one dies.
Patrick: Terrible animated re-telling of the Titanic with talking animals. No potato.
24. The Ugly Truth
Ken: F
Patrick: A “meh” romanic comedy. Reheated french fries.
Tyler: Insert just about every single cliche you can think of in relation to a romantic comedy and the end result would be The Ugly Truth.
25. The Craft
Ken: C
Patrick: High school witchcraft ladies. Bleh. Potato skins.
Tyler: I had actually never seen this movie until this year after hearing about for quite a while. I really enjoyed it in relation to its campiness. It also serves as funny precursor to a lot of the angst-ridden magic movies that would become super popular more than a decade later.
26. The Circle
Ken: C
Overall, kinda boring but it does have DRONES AND TOM HANKS
Patrick: The drone movie with Tom Hanks. I don’t remember much of the movie. Mashed potatoes, no gravy. [EDITOR’S NOTE: By “drone movie,” Patrick is referring to several instances in which drones are used in the film. See clip above for an example.]
Tyler: Like Death Note, we have an example of a movie with everything going right for it going oh so terribly wrong. We have director James Ponsoldt (The Spectacular Now, The End of the Tour) the best-selling Dave Eggers novel of the same name with a wholly impressive cast (Emma Watson, Tom Hanks, John Boyega, Karen Gillan and Patton Oswalt to name just a few). Instead of a modern science fiction classic though, the end result is something akin to a lazy episode of Black Mirror. It’s every troupe you’ve seen regarding social media and the end of privacy you’ve ever seen presented with no imagination or spark.
Ken: A
Pretty fun movie. You NEVER know where it’s going next.
Patrick: A bizarre movie. There’s a roller coaster trap that turns people into bones and a bunch of other strange stuff. It’s good though. Mashed potatoes with brown gravy.
Tyler: No. Just…no. Abandon hope all ye who enter.
28. Steel
Ken: C
Patrick: A Shaq super hero movie! Not bad. Enjoyable, like waffle fries. Not my favorite kind of fry though.
29. To Catch a Yeti
Ken: C
Patrick: Scalloped potato with no seasoning. Bizarre take on a yeti. Not scary, but instead a creepy small puppet thing.
30. Twilight
Ken: F
Patrick: Poisoned potato
Tyler: Yes, these are universally bad but I had a fun time with a couple of them. As with Fifty Shades, terrible lessons to impart but it’s just so laughable at just how seriously these movies (particularly the first one) take themselves. Also terrible showcases for Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, who have both gone on to show their pretty substantial acting chops.
31. The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Ken: F
Ken, on why he thought this was the best of the 5 films:
This one had the most parts that made me laugh from what I can remember. It had ghost vampire boy which was funny. It had Bella screaming a lot which was funny. It had the weaker wolf boy who only wanted a sandwich, which was hilarious. Crazy motorcycle ghost boy scenes. Vampire freak outs. Michael Sheen showing up in another crazy vampire series. Lutz’s cousin being in it still. These were all garbage movies, but this one did make me laugh a few times.
Patrick: Poisoned potato
Tyler: Easily the worst of the series, and I can’t even hammer down as to why. Maybe it’s the newfound focus on the werewolves, which look so bad that it’s hard to believe this movie came out less than 10 years ago.
32. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Ken: F
Patrick: Poisoned potato
33. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Ken: F
Patrick: Half of a poisoned potato.
Tyler: I hope this greedy, greedy trend that the Harry Potter movies began by splitting its final chapter into two separate films is finally past us. -knocks on wood- It results in listless, filler filled movies like this and the subsequent Part 2. I honestly don’t remember what happened in which movie beyond a final jump in interest in this one during a vampire birth scene (which really begged for an R-rating).
34. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Ken: F
Patrick: Other half a poisoned potato
Ken: B
Bad, but in a good way. It was really funny how the vampire boy just bought a bunch of blood from a blood drive guy.
Patrick: A movie up to the quality of a homemade movie. Potato burger. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Unsure what a potato burger is.]
Tyler: The funniest (and overt) Twilight rip-off we watch and head and shoulders above any of the Twilight movies in terms of entertainment value.
36. The Perfect Guy
Ken: B
[EDITOR’S NOTE: In his notes, Ken just wrote “BETRAYAL.” I am unsure as to what this is in reference to.]
Patrick: I think I missed out on this betrayal movie? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Patrick did see this movie, but neglected to look up the trailer or ask what it was about. He seemed to enjoy it at the time.]
Ken: A
An Andy Sidaris movie that’s still not Hard Ticket to Hawaii good. Still pretty hilarious though.
Patrick: Super loaded potato bowl. Andy Sidaris movie. Always fun, always action.
Tyler: The first we’ve watched in the Sidaris canon that’d I’d qualify as good as Hard Ticket to Hawaii (which set the bar so high to be fair). This one has a lot of what you’d expect (drug rings, government agents, awkward comedy, unnecessary nudity), with a ton of surprises I don’t want to spoil here. There are some unsavory elements to be sure. We’re talking about an Andy Sidaris film after all, but it’s largely harmless and endlessly entertaining.
38. Wired to Kill
Ken: C
Poorly made robots fighting on the side of good.
Patrick: I think I saw this movie? It may have been really bad quality on YouTube. Don’t remember it so won’t rate.
Tyler: Something that needs to be noted is there is a moment in this film that is wholly unique and completely insane. To surmise, the filmmakers clearly ran out of money at one point and were unable to film some scenes. How do I know this? Well, near the third act we’re on a slow, dialogue scene when suddenly we jump right into an action scene with no preparation or any substantial explanation. It was completely bonkers.
Ken: C
Patrick: Y.M.C.A. movie with a gym of naked dudes. Not pleasant on my eyes. Um. Potato, potato. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Okay, this is where Patrick stopped trying.]
Tyler: A nearly two-hour movie musical staring the Village People, Steve Guttenberg and Caitlyn Jenner (back when she went by “Bruce). If that’s not one hell of a hook, I don’t know what is. The above clip is one of the most insane things I think I saw in any movie last year and is also NFSW in any capacity so please keep that in mind before you watch. It equates to a music video for the iconic “Y.M.C.A.” while also serving as the single gayest thing in cinematic history…possibly ever? Well, at least up until the Dwayne Johnson/Vin Diesel fight in Fast Five. It’s absolutely glorious and worthy of your attention.
40. Case 39
Ken: C
Patrick: Creepy girl killer. Feels like the usual horror movie. Potato sandwich.
41. Body Parts
Ken: C
Patrick: This was a fun one. The dude received an arm transplant from a murderer and then he became evil. How about creamy potato soup?
42. Safe Haven
Ken: A+
This scored so much better than I thought it was going to at the start of the movie. A series of plot twists upon plot twists! It won’t be as fun the second time just cause I know what happens now, but the first ride was very, very entertaining.
Patrick: Enjoyable enough with some plot twists. Duchess potato
Ken: I agree with Ken 100% here. I’ve seen two Nicholas Sparks novels-turned-movies in my life (outside of this one) which I at first considered two too many. I think this one may have turned me around just in terms of how gosh darn entertainingly bad it was, not to mention some of the insane twists it sets before you; one of which should go down as one of the most outlandish left-field turns in cinematic history. I put this one down as a must see and welcome addition to the “so bad, it’s good” library.
43. Unforgettable
Ken: B
I sometimes forget about this movie so it’s kind of forgettable.
Patrick: [No rating from Patrick as he also forgot about this one, but he did go see it. We all went on a field trip to see it in at a movie theater actually.]
44. Battleship
Ken: B
Good on you, Hasbro. You pulled it off. I did like that the aliens’ bombs were [game] pegs.
Patrick: Someone spent a lot of money to make a movie about the board game, Battleship. Aliens vs humans on the ocean. Pegs were fired like in the game. Old men save the world to AC/DC song, “Thunderstruck,” on an antique boat. A not-so-fully cooked baked potato.
Tyler: Sometimes the only thing worse than Michael Bay is a Michael Day knock-off. I’m fully fine with this unruly attempt at a franchise failed so spectacularly to warn other Hasbro properties from making the jump to live-action.
45. Black Knight
Ken: C
Patrick: Seen it before. It was ok. Somewhat fun. Waffle fries.
46. Slaughter High
Ken: B
Patrick: It was alright. Potato cakes
47. Killpoint
Ken: A+
Patrick: Fun, fun movie. Gimme that sweeeeeeet, sweet baked potato, baby!
48. Torque
Ken: A+
A surprisingly fun ride throughout. You can tell that they are going for that Fast and the Furious money. They don’t quite succeed, but man is it entertaining getting there. I’d say every other scene had something surprising and over-the-top happen that kept us excited. The last third of the movie was non-stop fun. Watching Adam Scott scream throughout it was hilarious.
Patrick: Fun, fun, fun! Thrilling from start to finish. Sweet potato fries!
Ken: A
BEST CLOAK EVER
Patrick: Villain had the best outfit! Shepard’s pie!
Ken: C
Patrick: Not a bad one. Going with tater tots.
51. Chain Letter
Ken: C
Patrick: Lame horror. Nasty potatoes. [EDITOR’S NOTE: one of the broader ratings we’ve gotten. I guess place here any form of potato you find particularly “nasty” as Patrick did not specify.]
52. New Year’s Eve
Ken: C
Patrick: How many celebrities can be put into this one? Potato skins.
53. Assassin’s Creed
Ken: F-
The most boring movie of the year
Patrick: [N/A as Patrick once again called in sick this day.]
Tyler: A very tired adaptation of a very tired video game franchise, it’s a movie that seemed destined to fail from the get-go.
54. The Bye Bye Man
Ken: F-
The second most boring, but most generic movie of the year
Patrick: Terrrrrible horror movie. No potato for you.
Tyler: I actually had a lot of fun with this, akin to how one would have fun watching The Room. Honestly think the guys are being a tad to harsh on it. Sure, it’s a garbage movie but it’s an earnestly garbage movie. It’s like a masterclass in everything done wrong in a horror flick to the degree that it’s almost impressive.
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The Best of the Worst of 2017
“Best” Movie
Ken: Torque
See above. I think that this was the most fun movie of the year start to finish. There were better “moments” throughout the year for sure, but I think Torque delivered the best time overall. It also had some pretty amazing moments including a soda pop motorcycle fight.
Patrick: The Last Dragon
Probably going with The Last Dragon here. Sho’ Nuff was a great villain. Torque is a close second! [EDITOR’S NOTE: If you think Patrick is being vague here, get ready.]
Tyler: Cool as Ice
I want to keep this short, but…there’s just so much I want to bring to your attention. We have Vanilla Ice within the very small window of his relevancy if not near the very tail-end of it. It’s not so much a movie as it is a fever dream with some new insanity to overtake you with each passing moment. There are moments in which you believe you can no longer be shocked and then the movie one ups itself.
Worst Movie
Ken: Assassin’s Creed
As I’ve said before: I can get through bad acting, I can get through silly action scenes and I can handle a plot that makes no sense. Most of the time, these are the things that I most end up loving about bad movies. Just don’t be boring. This one was extremely boring, long, made no sense, and is a reminder of how far what was once a beloved game series has fallen. Not a fan.
Patrick: The Twilight series [EDITOR’S NOTE: This is all Patrick wrote.]
Tyler: Nothing But Trouble
On the plus side, this movie serves as the cinematic debut of Tupac and the production design is pretty big in scope which is kind of admirable…that’s where the buck stops and I kind of just despised everything else out this. I didn’t have a lot of fun watching it. I wanted it to end by the time we hit 15 or 20 minutes in, but it just kept going. To even begin to get into the whys would be more attention than this movie really deserves. Just skip it. That morbidly fascinated part of your brain may be telling you otherwise right now, but shut it up and keep moving.
Best Actor
Ken: Cameron Mitchell as Jo Marks, Killpoint
YA BOY IS BACK AND AT IT AGAIN! I was gonna give this to someone else, but then saw the dog scene again while looking through the movies. He is just a master of his craft. You really really believe that he was just a man who wanted to have his dog in a scene and then made it where there wasn’t a take with out the dog in it. A true legend.
Patrick: Rutger Hauer as Nick Parker, Blind Fury
Tyler: Lakeith Stanfield as L, Death Note
I’m trying to approach the two acting categories as best I can with some level of “Hey, this person tried and they deserve recognition.” So I’ll be frank and say Lakeith Stanfield is a pretty good choice for the character of L (the only reason I really watched the original anime of the same name upon which this turd of a movie is a based). That carries over to a point in the live-action movie as well. He’s awkward, intelligent to a fault, collected, confident and much more all rolled into one bag and he gives a performance worthy of a better movie. Unfortunately, it’s stuck in this one.
Best Actress
Ken: Cobie Smulders as Jo, Safe Haven
This movie was filled with people acting crazy but Smulders’ role was the craziest. She did a perfect job of not going too crazy though, and the true insane level of what her role actually was at the end. You were suspicious, but not committed. Perfect work.
Patrick: Justina Machado as Henderson, Torque
An FBI agent that blows up but doesn’t die.
Tyler: Emily Longstreth as Rebecca or “Becky”, Wired to Kill
There’s something that should be said about an actor’s ability to make you sympathize and/or empathize with the entirely fictional character they are portraying. It isn’t easy in many cases, particularly when you are in an overtly terrible movie like Wired to Kill.
The “diamond in the rough” is without a doubt Longstreth’s Becky, if only for the sheer amount of shit she is forced to go through from every angle throughout this movie. Her main “ally” and love interest sees fit to send her on missions he himself is incapable, repeatedly endangering her life in new and insane ways. Infiltrating a gang of murdering marauders under the pretense of being a hooker on moment and almost allowing her to shoot herself in the head another, he’s just as much a danger to her as an psychopath. It’s in Longstreth’s grounded and completely sympathetic performance this film finds any semblance of redemption.
Best Hero
Ken and Patrick: Nick Parker (Rutger Hauer) Blind Fury
BLIND KUNG FU MAN. NEXT.
Tyler: Aurelius (Michael Bole), The Last Vampire on Earth
I mean, you have to give to the vampire who is just trying to find curses for diseases, right? Diseases like AIDS, as specifically noted in the movie. Edward Cullen was never out to do anything of that scope and he was also a not-so-secret stalker. Aurelius is simply the total package without all the baggage.
Best Villain
Ken and Patrick: Sho’nuff, The Shogon of Harlem (Julius Carry), The Last Dragon
[Ken] Sho’nuff is amazing. He is one of the kind of villains that just needs his own movie. Great style. Sure of himself. He’s willing to threaten anyone and everyone. I didn’t like that he is introduced as interrupting a movie theater by yelling a lot and having his people yell his name in a call and response type hype game. By the end of the scene, much less the movie, I knew I was wrong and would be honored to have Sho’nuff interrupt any movie I’m watching.
Tyler: Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), Fifty Shades Darker
Not the intent of the movie, but this guy is straight up garbage. This franchise tries time and time to forgive his crimes via a tragic and troubled past, but I’m not buying it. It’s one to have a terrible childhood. It’s another to be possessive, controlling douchebag under the guise of “caring” about your girlfriend. Said “caring” includes, but isn’t limited to: taking control of your lover’s back account (without their permission, also you’re no longer dating), keeping an entire filing cabinet of info on past lovers collected via private investigators, buy the publishing company your girlfriend works for so you may therefore control her paycheck and potentially elevate her status within said company….I want to keep going but I hope you get the point.
Best Line
Ken: “I know you all like to drink, and dance and cavort! But thats not why you came tonight! Are you ready for the main event?!? ARE YOU READY TO RPG!?!?!” from Darkest Dungeon
This scene was bonkers. This line just sums it all up. The crazy college party stops. They all turn to the guy on the table. He gives this line. Then the entire room starts to scream RPG RPG RPG at the top of their lungs. Just hilarious.
Tyler: “You’re not putting those in my butt.” Fifty Shades Darker (NSFW)
For the second freaking year in a row, Dakota Johnson’s delivery is EVERYTHING here. I’m at least a little bit confident this is supposed to be a funny line but it would fall flat without an actress to sell it and Johnson, to her credit, commits. Stupidly wonderful moment in a terrible, terrible movie.
Best Scene
Ken: Final Race, Torque
You ever watch something and they don’t give you a second to fully finish reacting to the first thing that happened? This is a whole scene of that after a whole third act of that. They seem to go supersonic. There is a gun fight. There is an explosion. There are ramps and kicks and fights. This scene is just amazingly stupid and fun to watch in an amazingly stupid and fun to watch movie.
Tyler: The reveal, Safe Haven
No spoilers to be had here, but my favorite scene of the entire year has to be the final twist at the end of Safe Haven. It’s just so stu…brave. Yeah, actually brave is a pretty good word for it. Oh, it’s stupid. It’s so, so stupid but it’s such a jump that you really kind of have to admire it.
Funniest Thing Someone Said
Ken: “This isn’t stupid! This is cool… [3 seconds later and in a defeated tone] This is so stupid…” Patrick during the gernade hot potato scene, XXX: Return of Xander Cage
This was hilarious to me just because of how quickly it became SO STUPID that Patrick couldn’t hold it together for more than three seconds before it overwhelming him. They roll live grenades across the table towards each other and Tyler says “This is dumb” and Patrick jokingly responds “No it isn’t its cool!” Then three seconds later they do the same thing again and in an angry and dejected voice all Patrick can say is “This is so stupid…”.
Patrick: Myself in Torque, “Mountain Dew vs Pepsi, baby!”
One motorcycle lady fighting another motorcycle lady. Both representing their respective soda. They aren’t fighting with their fists, but with motorcycles! [EDITOR’S NOTE: Here’s some better explanation (just to clarify) in that Patrick screamed his favorite line of the year in the sequence above when he saw the two soda logos in one of the more blatant product placement examples I personally have ever seen in a movie. Said billboards are the most prominent things in some of the shots.]
Tyler: “IT’S HIM,” myself during one of the love scenes in Day of the Warrior
I didn’t really want to pick something I myself said given it just seems tacky but Patrick did it, so fuck it. Some context: as mentioned before this is an Andy Sidaris film, meaning there is a lot of gratuitous and rather unnecessary nudity throughout. This, in turn, means a lot of boring sex scenes. So we course eventually landed on one, this particular one not being the first in the movie (or the last). We have two naked, in-shape, nearly hairless people making out, with the cameras focusing on their bodies and their heads out of frame. It was around this time, we were getting a little bored given these scenes tend to go on for a bit. I eventually vocalized with a simple, “I wonder which one is which?” Literally either one of these could be the man or the woman. It was within 3 seconds the movie answered and I could only scream, “IT’S HIM” as I pointed to the lead actor as if I was Abigail Williams accusing John Proctor of witchcraft. It was as stunning a revelation I’ve ever seen in left me and my compatriots laughing for a good few minutes. I believe this is the first time Patrick excused himself from the viewing room due to laughing so much too. I credit the scene more than my comment for the hilarity. I just cannot recall a movie eliciting such a vocal reaction out of me this year.
Best Kill
Ken and Patrick: Roller Coaster Bone Grinder, Nothing but Trouble
[Ken] This was the moment when I kind of got an idea of what the movie was going to end up being. The roller coaster was crazy. There was lots of yelling. Lots of noises. And then BAM! Straight through the bone grinder and their bones shoot out into a giant bone pile and the characters are never seen again. This is some A+ style bad movie kills.
Tyler: “WHOOOOOO!” in Steel
Not really inventive by any means, the death of this henchman is marked by one of the funniest reactions to impending death. Essentially a grenade lands in front of him and he gives a scream that could be described as a combination of Michael Jackson’s and Will Smith’s “Whooo” screams. Short and sweet, it may not win this guy any awards but it sure as hell made me laugh.
Best “This is stupid” Moment
Ken: The veterans loading up and manning the U.S.S. Missouri the righteous tune of AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck.” – Battleship
We joke about silly things happening in these movies all the time. Everyone and a while, we end up getting it right. Thunderstruck is one of our go to “it would be hilarious if this was the background music for this scene”. But Battleship went and did it. For like 5 minutes, we got to bask in the stupid stupid glory of a scene that didn’t make any sense with Thunderstruck blasting in the background.
Tyler: The proof is in…the cemetery? – Hack-o-Lantern
A very odd moment in a movie that is basically just a series of very odd moments strung-a-long for 90 or so minutes. The set-up is basically as follows: there is a Satanic cult in town (isn’t there always), and they’re causing mischief and murder. One murder sees one of our lead’s best friend’s boyfriend killed quickly and buried in a shallow grave in the local cemetery. Lead girl then brings said best friend’s brother to that exact spot to hook up (unknowingly) on the grave of her dead boyfriend. There’s a moment where the woman grabs the hand of the corpse thinking its the hand of her partner (of course) but is somehow unable to differentiate between a living person’s hand and a dead person’s hand. That’s all insane of course but then the movie OUT-FREAKING-DOES itself by cutting to the lead discussing hooking up with her best friend’s brother with her best friend….AND THEN said best friend is like, “Prove it.” And the two take a freaking field trip out to the cemetery to go look at the spot where lead girl and brother of the best friend did the horizontal tango for the satisfaction of the best friend, the purpose being so they can discover the body. The question is: why in the holly hell have all those weird, unsavory steps in-between?!??!
