Ken, PATRICK and Tyler’s 2016 Schlockmas Spectacular Episode III: Boyz Evolution

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We’re three years in, people.

How exciting is that?

Relatively?

Kind of?

Fine.

Anyway, yes we are at three-full years of watching a bad movie weekly and it’s been a hoot to say this least…well, on good days anyway.

For those not in the know, my friends Ken…

Last confirmed sighting since 1994.

Last confirmed sighting, circa 1994.

…Patrick…

File photo.

File photo.

…myself…

fnf

… and any number of guests convene to “willingly” witness some sort of cinematic catastrophe. We’ve done two write-ups in the past which you can find here and here.

Why, you may find yourself asking.

Well…

Hm…

I think…

No…

Maybe it’s….fun?

Yeah, let’s go with that.

Now before we can get into the meat and portos (see Greasy Strangler), we must honor all of the classics we gave our (debatably) valuable time. What you are about to peruse are the 80 -count ’em 80 – movies we watched throughout the year. My contribution is attaching the trailer for each film which you can watch by simply clicking on the title. Pretty simple, right?

What follows is much more valuable. My associates have also rated each and every one of these films with care. There opinions align in some cases and differ in others, but they generally give you a consensus of whether the film in question is actually worth your time for your own viewing pleasure.

While Ken’s rating system is pretty standard, Patrick’s system is potato-based meaning it is a tad bit more complex. Once you go through a few though, you’ll get a pretty good grip on how it works.

Ken’s System:
A++ Must watch / Own

A+ Really good. Pretty much anyone would enjoy a viewing

B+ Not Bad. Not good, probably had a few great moments, but overall nothing stand out.

C Pretty forgettable. Maybe a good moment or two showed up, but generally not worth your time.

D Bad

F– I hated this. I hated this so much.

And I’ll just let Patrick’s only slightly insane system speak for itself.

I’ll join in later on when we get to the “best” of the “best” for the year.

So…let’s do this.

THE SHADY 80

1. Picasso Trigger

Ken: B+

Just stick with the original great, Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Patrick: BABES! BOOMERANG BOMB! and passionate love making. The usual Andy Sidaris film which is always a fun and enjoyable action packed movie. This movie gets a nice tater tot rating on the potato scale.

2. Milk Money

Ken: C

One of the most uncomfortably strange movies we watched this year. It didn’t even have a musical number.

Patrick: This is one creepy Ed Harris movie. A group of horny kids around the age of twelve pay a prostitute to show them her goodies.. to which she does! Unfortunately, the prostitute falls in love with one of the boy’s dad. The movie has a happy ending, but not as bad as I expected this movie to be. This movie gets an average rating of a baked potato with no toppings.

3. The Happening

Patrick: BORING. There is nothing scarier than being killed off by plants. The planet decides to kill off all humans by releasing a cryptic neurotoxin that causes the victim to commit suicide. A man does jump in front of his own riding lawn mower, which was rather pleasing to see. On the potato scale, this movie gets a stale rating of unsalted french fries. It’s ok, but you are left wishing you chose differently.

4. Fifty Shades of Grey

Ken: C

Patrick: Holla! It’s time for that sexy wet movie. Honestly, the movie sucked. It was not as hot and wild as I had wished for. Also, fake pubes. On the potato scale, this movie receives a potato salad rating. I don’t like potato salad at all, but a lot of other people do.

5. The Core

Ken: B+

If only for the rage that it instilled in Patrick.

Patrick: No! No! No!. No thank you to the core.. This movie was not fun to watch and made my brain hurt so much. I could say a lot about this movie, but I choose not to instead. Stay away. On the potato scale, this movie receives a nasty, dirty, soil covered raw potato.

6. The Wizard

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Ken: B+

Power glove!

Patrick: Unfortunately this movie is not as the title suggests. The Wizard is not at all about an amazing magical man, but instead about some kid using his weird brother to win it big. The big brother uses his weirdo little brother to win a Nintendo tournament and such. Meh. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato that isn’t cooked all the way. I wanted to enjoy it, but couldn’t because of the losers that made the film.

7. Dangerous Men

Ken: B+

Patrick: Hooray! Back to enjoyable bad movies! A husband and wife are on the beach when some bikers kill the husband. The wife pretends to fall in love with the only biker left and they journey to a hotel from some wet action. The naked, now widowed wife, walks out of the bathroom naked to make love to the biker.. all of a sudden, she pulls a knife out of her butt cheeks and kills the biker! Movie gold! Go see this movie, it was great! On the potato scale, this movie receives a great rating of McDonalds’ French Fries. So tasty!

8. Pocket Ninjas

Ken: D

Long and boring.

Patrick: Weird chin Robert Z’Dar is in this movie. This movie contained terrible kid fighting karate scenes and terrible training montages. On the potato scale, this movie receives a boring rating of a baked potato with just one dollop of sour cream. It was ok, but I wanted it to be more.

9. Exterminator 2

Ken: C

Never delivered on the initial awesomeness of the violence in the opening scene.

10. Event Horizon

Ken: C

Too long.

Patrick: Scary space movie. Basically you’re average space adventure. It’s all good and then everything begins to go wrong. On the potato scale, this movie receives a boiled potato. There is not much to it and it’s not very fun to consume.

11. Obsessed

Ken: A+

Beyonce fights the crazy monster lady at the end!

Patrick: Woo! One of our first crazy obsessed lover movies! The Office character, Charles Minor (Idris Elba), is married to Beyonce.. Some crazy girl tries to get wet with Charles Minor and eventually Beyonce kills the crazy stalker/lover. On the potato scale, this movie receives a half loaded baked potato. I was satisfied with what I got, but wouldn’t hurt my feelings if given more.

12. The Greasy Strangler (NSFW)

Ken: A+

Strangely a good movie. Everyone ended up legitimately enjoying it. Its literally insane and one of the most bonkers plots. But it was somehow entertaining.

Patrick: Dun! Dun! Dun! DUNNNNNNNN! GLORIOUS! The best movie of the freaking year and is at the TOP of the bad movie list for me. This movie is extremely funny and very greasy. Not only is the movie funny, but it has one of the best soundtracks to have been made! I don’t want to give too much away, but go see this movie. Stay greasy. On the potato scale, this movie receives a fully loaded baked potato with gold flakes!

13. Species

Ken: C

Patrick: A monster lady wants to lay eggs and reproduce, but she is being hunted down by a group of people at the same time. The movie was alright and was your basic bad movie. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato with your choice of one topping.

14. Body of Evidence

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Ken: B+

Because why wouldn’t you cast William Defoe as your lead in your romantic thriller. Pretty entertaining from a “wow this is bizarre” way.

Patrick: William deFOE or deFRIEND and Madonna make some supper hot candle wax sex scenes. Madonna is being charged with murder and hires Defoe as her lawyer. A lot of sex takes place and Defoe’s wife finds out and at the same time Madonna is found not guilty. She admits to Defoe that she is guilty and Madonna eventually is murdered. On the potato scale, this movie receives a sexy potato, because this movie was super sexy.

15. Deadly Friend

Ken: A+

The robot acting was pretty funny and the last 20 minutes end up being EXTREMELY ENTERTAINING.

Patrick: A fun movie with a young guy that builds a robot while in school. The young guy, Paul is friends with this neighbor girl Samantha. They pull a prank on their evil grump neighbor lady and the old lady shoots Paul’s robot. Samantha eventually gets pushed down the stairs by her abusive father and is declared brain dead. Paul makes Samantha into his robot and they have all sorts of fun. Samantha throws a basketball at the grumpy neighbors head, causing it to explode! One of my favorite death scenes from this list of bad movies this year. On the potato scale, this movie receives a Burger King french fries. Not as good as McDonalds, but still a great choice!.

16. Underworld

Ken: B+

Too much lore.

Patrick: Yucky! I only saw the last thirty minutes of this movie and that was more than enough. Not fun at all. On the potato scale, this movie receives a nasty raw potato with those sprouts growing.

17. Underworld: Evolution

Ken: C

Wait, more Lore that compounds on the others? I thought the one guy was special, but now that guy can do it too?

18. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Ken: B+

Wait this was a little more entertaining, but we went back in time? I’m getting more confused, but it kept me entertained at least.

19. Underworld: Awakening

Ken: C

MORE LORE… Wait who is the good guy?

20. Chopping Mall

Ken: C

Surprisingly a C. There was no actual chopping. A few of the murders were cool and I was really excited when they revealed they [the robots] had lasers, but it was a little long.

Patrick: An alright bad movie, with mall security robots that go ba-ba-bad! The security robots turn on the humans left in the mall after closing time. This movie had fun death scenes, but very unintimidating robots. On the potato scale, this movie receives a tater tot with old cheese. Seems good, and may taste ok, but it should be better.

21. Soul Man

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Ken: D

This movie is literally insane.

Patrick: A movie with a rich white college student doing black face! You sort of new it was coming, but kept hoping it wouldn’t happen. The positive thing this movie had going was James Earl Jones as a professor. I could only picture Darth Vader every time he spoke. On the potato scale, this movie receives an uncomfortable moldy potato.

22. Dreamcatcher

Ken: D

Too long and too boring.

23. Ghost Ship

Ken: B+

Too realistic. The whole time!

Patrick: Nick Witte’s favorite movie, as he has a ghost ship movie poster! This movie is a pretty bad movie, besides the awesome opening death scene! Just about everyone on the cruise ship gets beheaded by a wire! Woo! Also, Tyler insists the evil character wasn’t a ghost, but he is! On the potato scale, this movie receives a mashed instant mashed potato. Taste like crap.

24. Supernova [EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS SPORTS A LEGENDARILY BAD TRAILER. WOULD RECOMMEND.]

Ken: F–

I didn’t realize napping was an option.

Patrick: Terrible movie. It was a hour and a half too long. Baked potato laced with Benadryl to put me asleep.

25. The Black Ninja

Ken: C

I did like how he was credited as himself. Also he was a ninja and a lawyer!

Patrick: A lawyer who doubles as a black ninja! This movie was a fun bad movie and I enjoyed watching it for the most part. On the potato scale, this movie receives a mashed potato with white gravy. Not the best bad movie, but it was still enjoyable.

26. The Roommate

Ken: C

Not quite insane enough. It had its moments. But the SNL short is better.

Patrick: Lame.The worst stalker bad movie we watched this year. Basically two college roommates, but one turns out to be a crazy lady. If you want to watch a stalker movie, don’t see this one. There are much better stalking movies on the list of bad movies we watched this year. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato with no toppings. Bland and not fun to consume.

27. XXX

Ken: C
Surprisingly not that memorable for me. I know Vin Disel was in it. That’s about all I got.

28. XXX: State of the Union

Ken: B+

While a weird version of the first one, somehow Ice Cube made it more entertaining?

Patrick: Basically the same as the first XXX movie. Action! Action! Action! Not much to say about this film. ICE CUBE WAS HIDING IN A REFRIGERATOR!!!!! On the potato scale, this movie receives a hash brown with ketchup. Not my favorite thing in the world, but I had no problem with it.

29. Dragonball: Evolution

Ken: D

I only know the lore from the “Abridged Series” and even I was getting angry.

Patrick: As a Dragonball Boy, this movie made me cry. It made me cry so many sad tears. This was not a fun movie to watch and I advise you to STAY AWAY. I didn’t expect this movie to do one of my favorites any justice and it lived up to that expectation. On the potato scale, this movie receives a manure covered potato.

30. Hello Mary Lou:Prom Night II

Ken: C

Too many breaks in between the murdering. The murdering was good, but too much dead air.

31. Ernest Goes To Jail

Ken: B+

Surprisingly entertaining? It was really dumb, but it set out to be. Also we got one of the best “HDTGM” moments out of this one. Also we got to see one of our insane skits basically acted out on TV.

Patrick: Did you know a man can absorb a large amount of electricity and not die? That is what happens to Ernest in this lame movie. It wasn’t the worst movie w watched all year, but it wasn’t the best by far. On the potato scale, this movie receives a mashed potato with no gravy.

32. Transcendence

Ken: F–

SO BORING.

Patrick: I had hopes that this movie would turn out alright, but boy was I wrong. This Johnny Depp thriller (not really) slowed down time and became one of the longest feeling movies I have ever watched. Put this movie on before bedtime and it will help you sleep. On the potato scale, this movie receives a potato that you look at, but can’t eat.

33. Warriors of Virtue

Ken: B+

Won back over by the evil villain once again!

Patrick: I was honestly hoping that this movie was going to be a cool movie about a kid and a Chinese chef, but the movie decides to take a different turn. The kid goes into a weird fantasy world with very strange kangaroo people. This movie was weird and I don’t know how I feel about it. On the potato scale, this movie receives a potato casserole. Strange stuff.

34. Bloodsport

Ken: A+

Pretty entertaining. Violence was great. Dialog was insane. Multiple hilarious moments.

Patrick: Fun karate movie! Jean-Claude Van Damme takes home the tournament and becomes a karate boy. I’ve always wanted to be a karate boy myself. Good action movie with a lot of fun fighting. I was hoping the evil Chong Li would have taken home the karate gold. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato wrapped in bacon. Mmm Mmm good.

35. Exit Wounds

Ken: D

I couldn’t remember which one this was. I knew it was bad though.

Patrick: Steven Seagal movie. Bang bang. Action Action. On the potato scale, this movie receives a half loaded baked potato.

36. Burlesque

Ken: C

There were some funny moments, especially towards the end and their finances. Who knew how big of deal air rights were!

Patrick: More like Burle-boring. A very long and drawn out movie that I would have rather not seen. Somehow someway air rights? Are brought in to play. On the potato scale, this movie receives a raw potato.

37. Revenge of the Ninja

Ken: A++

This is a grade-A “Bad Movie Night Movie,” a continuation of our first Ninja Movie. The fights were hilarious. The acting was amazing. I had a great time with this one.

Patrick: WOO! Ninjas! ART GALLERY WITH COCAIN DOLLS! This movie is packed with plenty of action and plenty of death! This up towards the top of the bad movie list for me. On the potato scale, this movie receives a salty salty McDonalds french fries.

38. Dune

Ken: F–

This one is probably not that bad for other people. But I hated this one. How did they manage to tell me 16 million times that Akarris was the Desert Planet, but they forgot entire plot points like how important the knife fight at the end was going to be.

Patrick: Ken’s favorite movie of the year! This movie may be ok at best if you haven’t read the book. If you have read the book, then…I’m sorry. Stay far away as possible. This movie was pretty bad for me, especially after enjoying the book myself. Thanks whoever directed this movie. On the potato scale, this movie receives a stupid three week old potato salad.

39. Bratz

Ken: B+

Surprisingly entertaining. This was a really long movie [almost 2 hours], but it actually didn’t feel that bad. Sometimes whenever a movie embraces its insanity it works out well.

Patrick: I still to this day do not know if this movie was actually made after the Bratz dollz? Basic teenage girl drama. One of the Bratz girls makes fun of a blind guy that plays piano (He may have been deaf or blind, who knows, who cares). This movie was actually better than I thought it would be. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato with a side of salt.

40. Fateful Findings

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Ken: D

Neil Breen strikes again. And this one was just kinda boring and didn’t even have the insane plot like the others to rest on.

Patrick: I’m not sure what to say here. The second Neil Breen movie that we saw last year and luckily this movie didn’t make any of us sick as did Double Down. It was strange. On the potato scale, this movie receives a plastic potato.

41. Cradle 2 the Grave

Ken: C

Better than the other one for some reason? These movies didn’t make a huge impact.

42. Warcraft [EDITOR’S NOTE: For my full review, click here.] 

Ken: B+

Entertaining, but not a good movie.

43. Hackers

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Ken: A+

There is a reason why this crazy movie is so often recommended on many bad movie lists. It’s great to see whenever someone tries to figure out what the future is going to be like and then misses the mark so badly.

Patrick: Pretty much a movie based on Ken’s work life. 1000100 Pretty terrible movie and I was hoping it was going to be much better than it actually was. On the potato scale, this movie receives an elementary school grade tater tot.

44. When the Bough Breaks

Ken: A+

Entertaining throughout. Crazy lady was nice and crazy. The plot was bonkers. It was pretty entertaining.

Patrick: Woo! Another crazy lover/stalker movie! This was my favorite crazy lover/stalker movie of the year. The evil stalked lady was definitely crazy and made a lot of crazy stalker faces that I enjoyed. The ending fight scene was pretty spectacular as well. On the potato scale, this movie receives a ¾ loaded baked potato.

45. I Am Here…Now

Ken: C

This one has the insane madness you want from a Neil Breen movie. He was like a robot jesus? It also has the insane madness you want from a Neil Breen movie, in that you don’t want any of it.

Patrick: The strangest Neil Breen movie that we saw this year.. I can’t really tell you what the plot of the movie was, besides humans are bad for the earth? I think? I rate this as the second best Neil Breen Movie, with Double Down being his best product. On the potato scale, this movie receives a Mr. Potato Head.

46. The Thing With Two Heads

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Patrick: This movie was pretty fun to watch and was overall enjoyable. An old rich racist white man is dying and pays to have his head sewn onto a convict in jail. Unfortunately for him, his head is sewn on a black guy’s. They ultimately don’t get along and get into a crazy chase by the cops. Ultimately, the plot wraps itself up in literally the last thirty seconds of the movie.. Overall a fun movie to watch. On the potato scale, this movie receives a potato chip rating. Crispy!

47. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

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Ken: B+

Shot like a horror movie. Really creepy throughout. It was a bizarre experience, but pretty funny.

Patrick: This was a strange Sylvester Stallone movie. Stallone is a cop and his old mother comes to stay with him for a while. His mother shows nude baby photos to Stallone’s coworkers and talks about his little boy parts. Weird movie, but oddly not the worst. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked lays potato chip.

48. Death Wish 3

Ken: B+

Infestation of the creeps!

Patrick: CREEP! Fun fun movie! Old man goes to war with a street gang and when I say war, I mean WAR. The old man brings about as much weaponry as you’d see in a Rambo movie. I would put this movie near the top of the list. On the potato scale, this movie receives a ¾ loaded baked potato.

49. Independence Day: Resurgence

Ken: C

I wanted to like this a lot, but it lost a lot of the magic of the first one. I had fun with it. But it didn’t *quite* get the speech right.

Patrick: MEH. Not much to say. Not very good. I actually can’t remember the plot. On the potato scale, this movie receives a meh-potato.

50. Cry_Wolf

Ken: C

It had a few good moments. Again though, a little too realistic for my taste. I must admit the “reveal” occurring in the police station was really entertaining.

Patrick: Another one of Nick Witte’s favorite movies. Pretty much a rich kid school where murder happens among friends blah blah. On the potato scale, this movie receives a Nick Witte-shaped potato.

51. Streets of Fire

Ken: C

All I remember is it had a ring of fire and I hated the improve at the end.  [EDITOR’S NOTE: Ken is relating the Jet Li/DMX vehicle, Cradle 2 the Grave.]

Patrick: Not as interesting at the title leads on. Sexy and gritty. Kidnapping and a motorcycle gang. On the potato scale, this movie receives a potato salad. BORING.

52. Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance

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Ken: A+

Again not nearly as good as the original. But it was insane. And it learns at least an A with Wiseau’s scene alone.

Patrick: If you think you need to see Samurai Cop 1 before seeing Samurai Cop 2, you’re wrong! It comes on hot and heavy nears the top of the list of bad movies. It’s time to solve a bunch of assignation mysteries! The movie involves fun action sequences and a pretty bad wig. Good movie! On the potato scale, this movie receives a Curly Fries!

53. Lion and the King

Ken: C

Bad. Very Bad. But the funny voices all done by what seemed like one person was pretty entertaining. Should not exist.

Patrick: Lion King rip off. Weird animation. Avoid. On the potato scale, this movie receives a raw potato.

54. Suburban Commando

Ken: B+

Hulk Hogan is bonkers!

Patrick: An alien that looks like a human lands on earth! Hulk Hogan is that alien! Hogan makes friends and then has to save the earth from the aliens chasing him! Fun movie and no way it was going to be bad with Hulk Hogan being an alien fighting other aliens! On the potato scale, this movie receives a Waffle fries! Strange, but satisfying.

55. Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf

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Ken: A+

Sometimes a movie has no idea whats it’s doing, but it goes full-force anyways. These guys got vampires and werewolves mixed up, but man was it entertaining.

Patrick: Count Dooku attempts to a cult of werewolves in Transylvania. I enjoyed this film and it was pretty fun to watch. Especially the sexy werewolf queen. Mmmhmm. I think I remember seeing a werewolf orgy at some point. The film is pretty absurd, but enjoyable. On the potato scale, this movie receives a chili cheese french fry.

56. The Boy Next Door

Ken: A+

This was an interesting twist on the genre to say the least. It was pretty hilarious seeing how the handled the situation.

57. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Ken: D

Long and weird and they apparently didn’t even stick to the stuff right.

Patrick: Lame. This movie was lame, especially the giant ship shaped as a sword. On the potato scale, this movie receives a manure covered potato.

[I would like the record to reflect that this movie is terrible and I hate anyone that may like it. As the graphic novel upon which it is based is one of my all-time favorites, I thought it only fair we watch it as I made Ken sit through Dune, one of his favorites.] 

58. Night of the Lepus

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Ken: F–

Gross and dumb and long. Its another “how did you not see how un-scary and bad this was right away?” situation.

Patrick: RABBITS THE SIZE OF CARS! Terrible CGI or whatever, but pretty funny to see killer Lepus (rabbits). On the potato scale, this movie receives a tasty mashed potato with brown gravy.

59. Five Across the Eyes

Ken: F–

If Bear was even less exciting…

Patrick: This may have been the worst movie on the list for this year. The movie was shot with a terrible video camera. No lighting and no microphones. Terrible acting. Similar to a movie written as a high school film project. Avoid this film at all cost. On the potato scale, this movie receives a not worthy of a potato rating.

60. Inferno

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Ken: C

It had some insane moments. I liked the drone. I liked when he had amnesia attacks. I liked how it didn’t feel like it had to answer all of the questions it posed.

Patrick: Another one of Tom Hanks’ DaVinci mystery-esque movies. The movie was pretty bad, besides the point when Hanks’ is being chased by a drone! Scary stuff. Overall, the movie had a lame plot and was pretty confusing. On the potato scale, this movie receives a tater tot that has been smashed with a hammer.

61. Jem and the Holograms

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Ken: D

Too long.

62. Stephen King’s It

Ken: B+

Really, really, really, really, really, friggin’ long. And the acting was annoying a lot. And weird. But not terrible somehow? Still way too long.  

Patrick: If only this movie was made with an R-rating. For a horror movie, it was not scary at all. No blood or gory deaths. The clown seemed to be more of a joke then anything. The movie was VERY long and felt like forever. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato with the sides sitting on the table next to you, but you can’t use them.

63. Fair Game

Ken: C

The majority of this movie was boring and not that great, but the villains / main plot was nuts which was pretty entertaining. Their very loose grasp of technology also provided for some laughs.

Patrick: A movie about a sexy lawyer lady and a boy cop she falls in love with. The KGB are hunting down the lawyer and the cop boy is trying to protect her. A Baldwin brother plays the cop. The KGB uses a body heat detector to see if the copy and lawyer are in a hotel. Baldwin is not seen, but only because he is taking a cold shower.. The movie was alright, but was very wet and sexy. On the potato scale, this movie receives a chili tater tots.

64. The Shadow

Ken: C

All of the arguments of how and when the mind control worked made this one entertaining enough to watch.  

Patrick: Alec Baldwin plays a vigilante. The movie had alright special effects, but could’ve been much more with an exciting plot. On the potato scale, this movie receives a potato salad please.

65. Devil Dog Hound of Hell

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Ken: B+

The cult involved was really funny. Everyone acting scared of this adorable puppy / dog was great. It was a pretty great time.

Patrick: A cult does some spells and a dog becomes possessed. The offspring of the evil dog gets adopted by a family and turns out to be evil as well! Terrible scary monster scenes. Terrible movie. On the potato scale, this movie receives a rotten potato.

66. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Ken: D

Preaching for the sake of preaching. Also I had a pretty good Christmas. It didn’t really feel like it needed to be saved.

Patrick: This movie sucked the holiday cheer out of me. The movie is pretty much about the attack on Christmas. Don’t watch it unless you want to become Mr. Scrooge. On the potato scale, this movie receives a potato sprout rating.

67. Leonard Part 6

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Ken: B+

It’s weird to see a movie get so off the rails and to see so clearly that there was no guidance on what should and shouldn’t happen.

Patrick: Bill Cosby is an ex CIA agent and becomes reactivated on one last mission. Such a strange movie, as Cosby is doing action scenes. Terrible action scenes at best. The funniest part is when an evil guy in a wheel chair gets tipped over into a vat of chemicals, but his fake prosthetic legs are still attached to the chair. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato with old sour cream.

68. Hell Comes to Frogtown

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Ken: B+

Crazy plot. Terrible acting. Insane-o frog people.

Patrick: A very strange movie with famous wrestler Rowdy Rowdy Piper. Piper is one, if not the only, man in the world able to reproduce. Basically he’s enslaved and has a chastity belt on. If he removes the belt he explodes, but the purpose of him is to repopulate. Very odd film, I don’t remember liking the movie or hating the movie. On the potato scale, this movie receives a tater tot rating.

69. Barb Wire

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Ken: C

A weird weird movie. It had some funny parts. The acting was bad enough to be great a few times.

Patrick: A movie with Pamela Anderson beating people up. She is wet and sexy like she usually tries to be. Pretty bland plot and fighting scenes. The positive is when a rather large man gets blown up with a grenade. On the potato scale, this movie receives a boring baked potato.

70. Bride Wars

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Ken: C

Just someone else get married like 3 hours later! You could save so much money! Also I thought you [the two leads] were supposed to be friends!

71. Drive Thru

Ken: C

It had some funny moments like whenever they got mad at him for being crazy and acting like a clown with his job of acting like a clown.

Patrick: Pretty lame movie about a drive thru serial killer getting revenge. Not much to say about the movie, besides it being your basic cheesy horror movie. On the potato scale, this movie receives a dirt covered potato.

72. Demolition Man

Ken: B+

This was a pretty entertaining movie. Seeing the “future” was often pretty funny. Lots of fun arguments about stuff like the [bathroom] shells and their dates.

Patrick: An alright Stallone and Snipes movie. My only real gripe is renaming murder as murder death kill.. Overall fun fighting and Stallone may have made love to his own daughter? On the potato scale, this movie receives a salty waffle fry.

73. Half Past Dead

Ken: C

A Steven Seagal movie.

Patrick: Another Steven Seagal film. Pretty similar to the other Seagal film we watch. A bunch of action and fighting, not much to the plot, but overall an ok film. On the potato scale, this movie receives a unseasoned french fry.

74. Gods of Egypt

Ken: D

Long and boring, but it had at least a few moments to laugh at. I am sad we had to watch it in theaters and that means we couldn’t talk.

Patrick: TERRIBLE. Probably the worst movie I have ever paid to go see in the theaters. Boring plot and the fight scenes were just as bad. Stay away from this new, but awful movie. On the potato scale, this movie receives a raw potato.

75. The Covenant

Ken: C

Terrible movie with lame magic and lore that thought it was cooler than it was. It was fun laughing at them trying to take themselves seriously.

Patrick: Supernatural horror-thriller about high-school kids fighting with supernatural powers. A bunch of flying scenes and frat boys fighting with almost Dragon Ball Z ki blasts. This movie sucked and was not fun at all. Although, I did barf (not even kidding) at the scene with a bunch of spiders. I’m sure Ken will mention the incident. On the potato scale, this movie receives a spider potato.

76. The Time Machine (I found at a Yard Sale)

Ken: D

This movie is best summed up by the scene where you see a man go into the kitchen, get a glass, get orange juice, pour it into the glass, drink the entire glass of orange juice, and then put everything back. Just no. The future stuff was semi-funny though.

Patrick: Go into your kitchen and pour yourself a glass of OJ. Continue to drink that glass of OJ for 2-3 minutes straight, all while doing nothing else. That is exactly what happens in one of the scenes of this awful movie. Some very very crappy green screen close ups of mineral caves made me want to have diarrhea. On the potato scale, this movie receives a moldy potato. Nobody should have to consume such a thing.

77. The Order of the Black Eagle

order-of-the-black-eagle-04

Ken: A++

Basically if I got to write a movie with no one telling me anything was a bad idea.

Patrick: A MONKEY DRIVING A TANK! A MONKEY WEARING A TUXEDO! This movie has it all, but not according to movie grump Nick Witte. This movie also has an evil resurrected Hitler and banditos. A very fun movie with fun action scenes and monkeys. On the potato scale, this movie receives a fully loaded baked potato! This movie is superb!

78-79. God’s Not Dead and God’s Not Dead 2

Ken:

GND1 – C

Preaching to the choir. This felt like yelling in a echo chamber to me. It did have a really, really funny “villain” in it however.

GND2 – D

More boring preaching to the choir.

Patrick: Vomit alert. A movie about religion and talking about God in schools. Goes to court and blah blah. The Duck Dynasty gang is in the movie if that tells you anything. Worse than the first in the series. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato laced with laxatives.

80. Street Fighter

Ken: A+

Had some great moments, mostly from Zangief. The bad acting and fighting was entertaining enough to tide me over through the rest of it.

Patrick: The video game is much better than watching this lame movie. The movie itself has some decent fighting scenes, but overall pretty bland. On the potato scale, this movie receives a baked potato with no toppings.

THE BEST OF THE WORST

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WOULD RECOMMEND (BEST MOVIE): 

Ken: The Order of the Black Eagle

Who wants Nazis? Banditos? Secret Agents? Ninjas? Laser grids? Tanks? Gun Fights? Hilarious Jokes? Paper Machete Hitler’s skull exploding out of his face? Great action sequences at the end where one guy for sure got hurt?

ALSO DID I MENTION THERE WAS A BABOON WHO DROVE A TANK AND WORE LITTLE SUITS THAT MATCHED THE MAIN CHARACTER AND HE MADE FUNNY FACES AND ALSO DID I MENTION THAT A MONKEY DROVE A TANK

A MONKEY

DROVE

A TANK

Patrick:The Greasy Strangler

By far the best movie.

Tyler: Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (also known as Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch) 

For me, the all encompassing nature of any given bad movie is key, i.e. just how much insane things are there to talk about. The Howling II is a proverbial holy grail of discussion. The fact that werewolf lore is traded in favor of that associated with vampires. The multiple werewolf orgies we’re treated to. The theme that is hammered in our ears time and time again. Christopher Lee’s involvement. All of this is just scratching the surface of all that there is to explore.

The favorites of my colleagues are similar in this regard. Howling II won out for me partly due to just wanting to shine a light on another phenomenal entry into my bad movie vernacular. I’d seen the first movie quite a while ago, but harbored absolutely zero interest in looking into any of its sequels. It took seeing YouTuber JonTron had covered it to get me onboard. So I’d like to extend a personal thanks to him on that front. The film is 80’s in all of the right ways (and in some of the worst), all while offering more than it’s fair share of water cooler moments after. A definite must-see.

NOT EVEN TO MY WORST ENEMY (WORST MOVIE):

Ken: Transcendence

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I started to put a number of other movies here, but I kept coming back to Transcendence.
I hate boring movies; looking at you Fateful Findings.
I hate movies that don’t get anything right; looking at you, Dune.
I hate movies that should be better than they are, Dragonball Evolution.
I hate movies that just shouldn’t exist; looking at you, Five Across the Eyes and I am Here… Now and Lion and the King, and Night of the Lepus and The Time Machine (I found at a Yard Sale).

For some reason though, Transcendence was allllll of these at once. They had a lot of money for this obviously. They had people who knew what they were doing. They had people who knew how to make movies. And yet it was sooooooooooo boring. And soooooooo long. And there wasn’t anything fun or funny to latch onto in it.

I know for a fact I’ve listed worse movies up there. But for some reason I just HATED this one.

Patrick: Five Across the Eyes

fiveacrosstheeyes01

The worst person to film a movie ever.

Tyler: God’s Not Dead 2 

I fear this is going to come off as, “Well of course the atheist hated the Christian movie.” Well, if accusations are thrown my way I hope my two theist friends can also attest that this movie is indeed terrible and devoid of any true, entertainment value whatsoever.

The first film, while misguided, was ultimately harmless and stupidly enjoyable thanks in part to its villain(s). Sure, it completely mishandled in its portrayal atheism and the general “motivation” and “intention” of atheism as a whole. It went the full mile by also punishing said atheists by your typical cancer diagnosis and also a matter-of-fact death. Don’t worry though. These extreme circumstances brought them to the Lord, as it should be.

The same could not be said for its sequel which crosses the line from stupid, hot air propaganda to “Oh no…people really believe this shit” territory. And I’m not referring to religion. Thats all well and good. It’s the persecution angle that is put forefront and center here. It drops the ball in ever way imaginable in its portrayal of free speech, digging its grave only further by citing a bunch of real life cases I’m sure would have potentially made somewhat interesting films.

Not the case here.

This movie is a hateful cinematic circle-jerk of the highest caliber, presenting an argument that will in no-way sway people like me or in-between.

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas gets an honorable mention, but it kind of feels like straight-up bullying to pick on a movie that stupid and tone-deaf as to how the world actually operates. You almost feel compelled to pat in on the back for being somewhat comprehensible.

BEST HERO:

Ken: The monkey from The Order of the Black Eagle

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HE FLEW A PLANE AND HE WORE A LITTLE SUIT AND HE DROVE A TANK.

Patrick: Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson) in Death Wish 3.

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Tyler: Zangief (Andrew Bryniarski) in Street Fighter 

zangief

Zangief is technically a villain throughout most of the overly, long runtime of the 1994 Street Fighter adaptation. He has a change of heart late in the third act however when he is informed that he has been in the service of the bad guys the entire time as well as that everyone, with the exception of him, receive regular paychecks. The proverbial “double whammy” if there ever was one. Upon this revelation, he switches allegiances instantaneously and helps our heroes escape a self-destructing base. He is finally seen celebrating the victory of good at the end of the film.

He also got the two best, legitimate laughs out of me, something no other movie we watched this year could match making Zangief the hero to beat in my eyes.

BEST/WORST VILLAIN:

Ken: Komodo (Angus Macfadyen) from Warriors of Virtue

This guy gets how to play a villain. He understands presentation. He understands comedic timing. And he understands how to be evil. He knew how to wear crazy suits. He also knew what kind of movie he was in which is always great. There is a 20 minute video on youtube of him. Watch it. It’s worth every minute.

Patrick: Adolf Hitler in The Order of the Black Eagle.

ootbe_hitlercicle

Tyler: Mark Watson (C. Thomas Howell) in Soul Man 

No but seriously, this movie is horrifying and indefensible. Like, why?

Why?

Why?

Why?!

WHY?!

WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Hopefully you’ve already read the synopsis earlier but there should be no debate that Mark Watson is in no way, shape or form the hero of this story. He is a villain, to a level that is all the more uncomfortable looking back at his plot to get an exclusively black scholarship all the more cringe-worthy three decades later.

He isn’t punished either. He’s found out, yes, but he gets to keep going to school AND the girl he tricked into thinking he was indeed African American stays with him at the end of the film.

He simply learns that it’s hard to be black, I guess? I don’t know. It’s horrible and it’s racist and Mark is the worst. Like the worst villain conceivable outside of a mass murderer or the like.

BEST ACTOR:

Ken: The monkey from The Order of the Black Eagle

order-of-the-black-eagle-04

HE WORE LITTLE SUITS AND HE LEARNED ALL THE MOTIONS AND HE WAS THE GREATEST

Tyler: Johnny James Gatyas as Robert Moore in The Time Machine (I Found at a Yardsale) 

the-time-machine-i-found-at-a-yardsale-2011

It takes a certain stock of actor to capture the attention of a populace while encompassing a static minute and half shot of drinking orange juice. Sorry, getting the orange juice out of the fridge. Pouring it. Then drinking it.

BEST ACTRESS:

Ken: Kristy Swanson as Samantha Pringle in Deadly Friend

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Lemme just say. The robot acting lessons paid off.

Tyler: Front row girl in Milk Money

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I guess I should give a smidgen of context. The full scene is below, but the gist is: Frank has to give a presentation on sex education. He recruits V, a prostitute staying at his house (that’s an insane can of worms for another discussion), to help him with an oral presentation his teacher has assigned him at the matter. He proceeds to lock said teacher (you know the one giving him the fucking grade) out of the classroom as he gives his presentation.

The “why” is pretty simple. The girl’s reaction to being told what a woman is so multi-layered that I need a thesis on the matter. Has she never thought about it before? Is this her first brush with adulthood? Has she just come to the realization that she too is in fact of the female gender? All good questions.

Has an actor ever done so much with so little?

No.

The answer is no and I will hear no debate to the contrary.

FUNNIEST MOMENT:

Ken: The spider scene in The Covenant 

Every once in a while we get really good at reading a movie. And every once in a while we call something a little bit too well. This happened with the spider scene in The Covenant. It was probably mostly the Chinese buffet before hand. But this moment was so funny it made Patrick throw up.

I’ll never forget everyone starting to yell “SPIDERS! SPIDERS!! SPIDERRRRRSSS!” as TONS of spiders came out of everywhere and Patrick telling us to stop and everyone yelling and screaming and chanting and Patrick saying to stop and us not believing him and then him sprinting to the sink and hearing him continue to laugh through the pain.

Patrick: Every time Big Ronnie/the Greasy Strangler (Michael St. Michaels) washed the grease off at the car wash in The Greasy Strangler 

the-greasy-strangler-michael-st-michaels

Tyler: The butt knife in Dangerous Men [EDITOR’S NOTE: See BEST KILL for more information.] 

MOST INSANE MOVIE:

Ken: Soul Man

EASY CHOICE. So most of the time my favorite thing to do while watching these movies is to crack up laughing imagining how at no point in the filming did someone say “Hey maybe this isn’t a good idea…”
It’s literally insane this never happened in this movie. Its literally insane that the first MOMENT they saw any footage for editing their reaction wasn’t “OH NO WHAT HAVE WE DONE WE SHOULDN’T LET ANYONE EVER SEE THIS OR SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN”

Patrick: The Greasy Strangler 

Tyler: Hell Comes to Frogtown 

A woman dances in front of a frog man as to arouse his three-pronged penis…and that’s somehow not the most insane thing in this veritable clusterfuck of a film.

Abandon hope all ye who enter.

STUPIDEST LINE OF DIALOGUE:

Ken: “Murder-Death-Kill” from Demolition Man

ANOTHER EASY ONE.
WHY DIDN’T THEY REALIZE IT WAS DUMB WHEN THEY SAID IT. WHY DIDN’T THEY REALIZE IT WAS DUMB WHEN THEY SAID IT AGAIN A LITTLE LATER. YOU CAN HEAR WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE. YOU KNOW IT SOUNDS DUMB.
WHY DIDN’T THEY REALIZE IT WHENEVER THEY SAID IT AGAIN LIKE AN HOUR LATER INTO THE MOVIE?

I am impressed this made it into a Run the Jewels song though.

Patrick: Most likely something from Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.

Tyler: “I’m making pancakes,” as delivered by Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) in Fifty Shades of Grey

This one probably falls back on to line delivery more than anything else as the line itself isn’t inherently stupid.

Johnson is typically a pretty capable actress, even lively at times. Unfortunately not even she can survive the overly dour 50 Shades which really could stand be a lot more trashy and self-deprecating in the way movies like Showgirls is. At least it could then fall under a “It’s so bad, it’s good” category. What is fall under something that is way more dour and self-serious than it has any right to be.

This stupid line-delivery is really the only thing I fondly remember from my viewing. Johnson delivers the line so joyously that I can’t help but smile.

BEST KILL:

Ken: Butt Knife in Dangerous Men [EDITOR’S NOTE: I cannot find a clip of this sequence on the internet so simply use my friends’ descriptions as added incentives to see the full movie as it is well worth your time and attention.] 

This was amazing. We saw her distract the guy and “accidentally” drop her meal and drop the knife. We saw the knife disappear. We saw her hiding something in her clothes. We saw them head up to the room. We heard her tell him she wanted a shower first. We heard her come back and tell him the very specific instructions to “lick her belly button while rubbing the back of her knees”. And then we saw she was just wearing a towel and a knife was no where to be seen.

BUT THEN IT WAS HID IN HER BUTT. SHE HAD THE KNIFE THE WHOLE TIME. AND SHE MURDERED HIM WITH IT.

The room immediately erupted into chants of “BUTT KNIFE BUTT KNIFE BUTT KNIFE BUTT KNIFE!!!”

Patrick: The scene in Dangerous Men where the naked girl walks out of the bathroom and pulls a knife from between her but cheeks and kills the motorcycle gangster.

Tyler: “Aaaaaaand BOOM goes the dynamite” from Deadly Friend

I really should also be praising the glory that is butt knife as it may be the most glorious moment in cinematic history. BUT. I’ve already spoken about it. Well, others have anyway. So I thought I’d shine some light on this gem. Context certainly helps here, but I’m going to let the magic simply speak for itself.

BEST “THIS IS STUPID” MOMENT:

Ken: XXX: State of the Union

Ice Cube hid in a refrigerator. ICE CUBE hid in a REFRIGERATOR
ICE CUBE HID IN A REFRIGERATOR!!!
We actually didn’t notice the sheer brilliance of this the first time around, but man when we did it was glorious

Patrick: The entirety of Dune

Tyler: The cult’s “anti-Christ” dog scheme in Devil Dog: Hound of Hell

This one is pretty cut-and-dry. Basically a satanist cult breeds some puppies which are possessed with the souls of Satan himself. They then pass around said puppies in order to spread evil, misfortune and all-around not-niceness.

It just seems like a really big risk to have the anti-Christ not only running around in dog form, but also relinquishing control of the Morning Star to unknowing families. What if the family accidentally kills the dog? Or they get the dog fixed? Or they give away the dog? Why not just have the anti-Christ be a person?

It’s not the most complex scheme of the year (looking at you, Cry_Wolf), but it just may be the stupidest.

BEST CRAZY STALKER MOVIE:

Ken: Obsessed

Mostly because at the end the stalker was essentially a crazy monster lady. Like it was shot from a horror movie and they were worried about her coming back to life and it almost seemed like you had to kill her with fire or something.

When the Bough Breaks was a close second, and might have won it if I hadn’t been burned so badly by the crazy lady not being in the crib. I don’t think I got more upset with a movie this year.

Patrick: When the Bough Breaks

John Taylor (MORRIS CHESTNUT) and Anna Walsh (JAZ SINCLAIR); 2am... John lets the last catering staff out... heads up to bed and hears music; John finds Anna playing music in the living room in Screen Gems' WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS.

The stalker made good faces and was crazy.

Tyler: The Boy Next Door 

theboynextdoor_dvdreview_splash650

Mainly citing this one just to say that, “Hey, boys can be crazy stalkers too.” And obvious sentiment really, but all of the other crazy stalker affair films we watched this year (5 in total) featured female villains.

It hits all the beats of the others, up to your standard flaming house/barn climax at the end.

And who could forget, “I love your mother’s cookies.” A line I’m sure will one day make it to AFI’s 100 Memorable Quotes List.

THE MOVIE TOO GOOD TO BE INCLUDED ON THIS LIST:

Ken: Warcraft

Warcraft wasn’t a great movie, but I didn’t think it was all that bad. It was a little long. The plot was predictable and not very inspired. But it looked pretty. It was cool seeing places from the game. The action pieces were decent enough. This wasn’t good, but I don’t think it was bad movie night bad either.

Patrick: The Order of the Black Eagle

Tyler: TIE Dune and Jem and the Holograms 

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On the surface this is going to come of as a total slant to Ken as these are the two movies he wanted to see least by a large margin. And in a way…yeah, it is. If anyone deserves a slant, it’s Ken Adams. You hear that Ken. I got your number and now so do at least 5 people who skim through this blog.

Anyway, yeah I gave it to two movies not because they are by most means “good” but there’s obvious merit in their respective productions. Both films, against all odds, look incredible. Jem and the Holograms sports a scene in which our characters avoid capture by the police by jumping off a dock, into the ocean; their escape lit by the neon glow of a ferris wheel. The scene is so stunningly filmed, such visuals are almost heartbreakingly wasted here.

The same could be said for Dune, which sports production design that matches that of any other high-profile science fiction production during its era. Yes, Star Wars included. Sure, it’s dated to an extend but the stuff that’s good looks really, really, REALLY fucking good.

I think Jem’s main fault is failing to embrace the goofiness of its source material. There are hints here and there (the cartoon’s penchant for the identity crisis of its heroine) but it falls to heavily on “real world” drama, all while trying to have its cake and eat it too by the inclusion of a robot side-kick which is HORRIBLY out-of-place.

Dune’s is similar. I don’t really see a proper Dune adaptation ever truly succeeding in a studio system, at least a stand-alone film. While my mouth waters at the remote possibility of seeing Denis Villeneuve-helmed, Roger Deakins-lit Dune, I foresee it landing on the same soft dirt as this. There’s just too much ground to cover in too little time. David Lynch’s version is head-scratching because it not only over-explains some elements (shots every “spice” is uttered), it is completely vague in regards to others.

All that said, there’s something admirable about both these films and not necessarily as terrible as a grand majority of their 2016 peers.

FUNNIEST THING SOMONE SAID OR DID: 

Ken: Tyler realizing that The Greasy Strangler‘s sound track is the music that is always playing in Patrick’s head.

As soon as Tyler said this, I couldn’t stop laughing, and thanks to him I’ve had many hilarious times come up again whenever someone put the music on or starting to pretend to sing like it, and instantly cracking up again.

Patrick: Me puking during The Covenant.

Tyler: During Soul Man, our friend Chloe asked why a certain character was wearing a weird piece of clothing. The exchange was, and I’m para-phrasing here: 

Chloe: Why is she wearing that?

Ken: Why is he black?!

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