Ken and Tyler’s 2015 Schlock-mas Spectacular Episode II – Confessions of a Talking Cat?! : The Domination

My god. We’ve made it to the end of yet another year. Against all odds, we’ve completed one full year of weekly bad movie watching.

It’s hard to believe we’ve been doing this over a year now. Another year of ripping of Best of the Worst…er I mean doing a fun activity that is completely separate from them. Yeah, that’s it.

On that note though, let me address something so I don’t have to later. What we’re doing isn’t some lame way to “cash in” on the great work they are doing over at redlettermedia.com or the “How Did This Get Made?” podcast. Why would we do it only once a year AND on a no name’s lame blog. We simply do this for fun…for the most part…except when it isn’t fun…NSFW…

Myself and my associate, former ninja, Ken Adams, have collaborated to  best summarize our shared experiences to the best of our abilities…but we can only do so much, people. We’re only human…or at least we were…before we started watching these movies.

In other words, expect some mistakes and a chosen informality to the proceedings particularly on my part.

We’ve had highs. We’ve had lows. We’ve even added on a third member to the madness (who understandably opted not to do a write up).

We’ve seen our fair share of terrible henchmen (or goons), crazy knock-out gases, uncomfortable/regrettable sex scenes, kooky creatures, animal antics, and whatever manner of insanity that fills schlock.

The following 66 films consumed our evenings once a week over the past year. Ken has submitted a handy-dandy quick review system for those of you that may be interested in watching any of the listed movies as well as some of his thoughts on a few of the movies themselves included. 9 times out of 10, I agree with his gradings so I’m going to let him take the lead on this one. I’ve included links to the trailers (or available clips for those that do not have trailers) that can be accessed by clicking on the movie titles themselves.

BMN – Bad Movie Night

A++ – Top Tier Movie from this year and one of our personal favorites.

A+ – Check it out, we had a blast and wouldn’t mind watching it again / owning it in some cases

C+ – We had a good time, but probably wouldn’t watch it again if we didn’t have to

D- – We didn’t have much fun with this movie, it may have had a few fun moments, but we really wouldn’t recommend it

F– – As my good friend Strongbad would say, not good enough.  We hated this movie.  It was not fun.  We did not have a good time.  We just want the time that this movie lasted back in our lives.

The Sinister 66

Hard Ticket to Hawaii – A++

Adventures of Hercules – D-

Hercules in New York – C+ 

Ken: Woulda been a wash without good ole’ Pretzie.

Battlefield Earth – C+

The Apple – D-

Ken: Really boring, except for Mr. Topps and his magical space Cadillac taking all of the hippies up to heaven at the end of the movie.

Crossroads – C+

Catwoman – D-

Con Air – C+

Ken: Not as crazy or insane as one would think.

Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor – C+

Ken: We ended up more invested than we thought we would be / should have been.

Double Team – C+

Ken: Best product placement in any movie.

Staying Alive – D-

Ken: Not even alotta fun if he is a ghost the whole time…

Hudson Hawk – D-

Crazy Fat Ethel 2 or Criminally Insane II – D-

Terror in Beverly Hills – A+

Ken: Slow start but second half of the movie more than made up for it.

Hollywood Cop – C+

Ken: Not bad but just watch the A++ winner from last year Samurai Cop instead.

Terminator Genisys – D-

Ken: We had more fun discussing all the plot problems for 3 hours after the movie was over than we had when we watched the movie.

Low Blow – C+

Theodore Rex – D-

Beware! Children At Play! – A+

Beaks: The Movie – D-

Ken: Mostly just makes you feel bad for all of the animals that were hurt in the making of this film.

A Halloween Puppy or- A Magic Puppy – D-

Ken: Again, just stick with the original A Talking Cat!?!.  Though this one did get Roberts out of the bathroom and on the screen momentarily!

Gymkata  – C+

Ken: Crazy Town is an actual place in this movie.

Winter’s Tale – C+

Ken: Can’t be mad at this.  It was trying so friggin hard you just couldn’t get stay angry at how terrible it was.

Santa With Muscles – D-

Ken: Disappointing; not nearly as entertaining as the name or premise sets it up to be.

High Voltage – C+

Shapeshifter – D-

Furious 7 – A+

Ken: Our John Wick of this year.  Actually a pretty solid movie; not great by any means, but really entertaining.  These movies definitely know what they are.

Fantastic Four (1994) – A+

Fantastic Four (2015) – D-

Liz & Dick – D-

Ken: So many costume changes.  So little plot.

Jupiter Ascending – C+

Ken: Overall entertaining, but not very good.  Gotta say, A++ performance from Eddie Redmayne, who apparently attended the Jeremy Iron’s School of Acting.

Teen Witch – C+

Zardoz –  A+, and C+, and D-, and F–… but also A+?

Ken: One of the most unique movies we watched this year / ever.

Hands of Steel – C+

Cyberbully – C+

Deep Blue Sea – A+

Blood Debts – A+

Undefeatable – C+

Tango and Cash – A+

Enter the Ninja – A+

Left Behind – D-

A Talking Pony?! -or – A Pony’s Tale – C+

Ken: At least a more interesting plot than Halloween Puppy.  Watching no humans react rationally on screen for an hour-and-half was pretty entertaining.

From Justin to Kelly – D-

Ken: A musical number for teens written by aliens.

Malibu Spring Break – D-

Showgirls – A+

Ken: One sleazy movie in a pretty unique way.  Amazingly crazy dialogue.  Plus you get to watch the Mayor of Portlandia like bikes for a long while.

The Item – F–

Ken: I didn’t have an absolute least favorite movie for all of the first year of BMN, and most of the second.  Thanks to this friggin movie, I now have a definitive answer when people ask.

The Glimmer Man – C+

Color of Night – C+

Sleepaway Camp – C+

Ken: Must admit I did NOT see the twist coming at the end.

Road House – A+

The Star Wars Holiday Special  – F–

Ken: As always, a relevant and EXTREMELY TRUE xkcd.  We watch bad movies for fun.  Don’t do it kids.  IF YOU INSIST BECAUSE YOU WON’T LISTEN TO US AND YOU WANT TO BE COOL LIKE US YOU WON’T BE BUT FINE OKAY, just watch a highlight reel.

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid – D-

Ken: Not as good as the first one by a long stretch.

Wrong Side of Town – A+

The Island of Dr. Moreau – D- 

Ken: This movie kept on wanting to make us have a good time by being insane…but it never quite pulled it off.   

Bear – D-

Ken: Sorry Natalie…

Zaat – A+

Masters of the Universe – D- 

Death Spa – A+

On the Line – D- 

The Marine – C+

Enemy Gold – C+

Ken: Just watch Hard Ticket to Hawaii instead.

Man’s Best Friend – C+

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny – F–

The Christmas Shoes  – D- 

Ninja III: The Domination – A++

Double Down – F–

Ken: Most insane “movie” of the year.  It was just all around bad.

“Best” Movie

Ninja III: The Domination 

Ken: I have to give this one to Ninja III: The Domination.  I had a lot of fun watching a lot of the movies on this list, but none of them were quite as entertaining and insane as Ninja III: The Domination was.  This movie is a perfect BMN movie in my opinion.  It has an amazing opening sequence, that the movie honestly never comes close to beating again.  It’s nonsensical throughout.  The character motivations are impossible to follow and they seem to be rolling a dice to decide what they should do from moment to moment.  All conventions of a ninja movie are only vaguely followed, and dropped the moment they become inconvenient.  I was grossed out at points, blown away at points, and laughing almost constantly throughout the entire thing.  The ending wasn’t as insane as a lot of endings this year, but it fit right in with the movie.  Don’t get me wrong, this is a terribly made movie, but I gotta say I honestly enjoyed this movie from pretty much start to finish.  I’d go into further detail about what makes this movie so great, but then I wouldn’t have anything to talk about in the categories that it won.  Just know though, if I had to recommend one movie from the list for you to watch or buy, this would be the one that I would recommend.

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Tyler: This was such a tough call between the film above and Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Both are such wonderful bad, insane, brilliant movies that its almost like picking between which of my hands are my favorite.

I gave Ninja III the edge because, more so than Hard Ticket, it was consistently entertaining. In other words, there were really no lulls. Each scene is a special present. Like one of those Russian nesting dolls, just when you think there can’t be a new surprise, there is one waiting for you smiling and welcomes you like a warm hug. This is a movie I had been pretty excited to see for quite a while beforehand and it did not disappoint in the slightest.

It’s a movie that gives you everything and fails but succeeds by failing. Someone at Canon decided to cram every popular genre at the time (horror, ninja, dancing, cheesy romance) into one perfect movie.

The full movie is available for free on YouTube. I highly recommend you stop reading this blog, gather your friends and family, cook up some popcorn, get comfortable, watch the movie and then come back.

Done?

How great was that, right?!

Worst Movie

The Item

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Ken: I’m making myself go down the list of all the movies we watched this year on EVERY other category to make sure I’m giving a fair answer to all of these… EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE.  As I mentioned before… this is my LEAST favorite movie from any BMN movie.  I’ve always known Quentin Tarantino is a brilliant movie maker.  It wasn’t until I saw someone truly rip him off that I finally appreciated how skilled he truly is.  This movie was written, directed, and stars a self righteous jerk who thinks he is far more clever than he actually is.  “Clever” dialogue written only for the sake of looking good on paper and making the director feel important, inane “artsy” “effects” that just come off as annoying, and “tributes” to Tarantino films in the sense that they are just worse versions of scenes stolen from his movies, the list goes on and on and on.  Not only did this movie bore me, it angered me, disgusted me, and was way too long, and the whole time it was acting as if it was the best movie that had ever been made, just making it worse.  I think that was what pushed me over the edge into the “hatred” category instead of just generally disliking it.  Also, did I mention a lady has sex with a puppet in it?  It’s like a 4 minute scene.  Just in case you thought I still might not be justified in hating this movie.

Tyler: I want to punch this movie in the face. Again and again until there is no trace of its existence.

It’s as if someone saw Reservoir Dogs and thought, “Hey I can do that…BUT BETTER.” when in fact said person had absolutely had no idea what they were doing but wrote/directed/starred in a movie with the notion that they did. Also they had a Penis puppet available so they went ahead and threw that in too.

I never like to say that I hated a movie because it’s ultimately a waste of time. There are much more important things to be mad about than a stupid, waste of time movie….BUT THIS FUCKING MOVIE. It just got to me. I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE this movie, and wish it’s existence was wiped from my memory.

The Item thinks its a really smart movie. It fact, it thinks it’s smarter than you. With snappy dialogue and super stylistic action scenes, it also thinks it’s a really cool movie.

To writer/director/star Dan Clark, I have only this to say…

Best Actor

Ken: Cameron Mitchell in Hollywood CopTerror in Beverly Hills and Low Blow

Grumpy old Police Chief and Lazy Blind(?) Cult Leader- Cameron Mitchell has become my favorite star of BMN this year.  Multiple appearances, and each and every one of them amazing.  All… similar, but all amazing.  Anytime the old grump showed up yelling on screen you knew it was going to be a great time.  He really made me believe he was a grumpy old police chief who didn’t want to be dealing with these problems.  He also did an amazing job as the really lazy blind cult leader who spent the whole movie just kinda sitting down muttering gibberish.  Including a hilarious scene where he is lying in bed with no shirt on, but still wearing his cult leader hood.  He was a favorite of mine from a few movies in 2014, but he really showed his acting chops throughout 2015.

Tyler: Harrison Ford in The Star Wars Holiday Special 

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I’m a fan of actors/actresses that know their in schlock and are visibly uncomfortable/angry at their participation and no other actor in a movie we watched last year personified that loathing more eloquently that Harrison Ford in the infamous holiday special.

You can actually spot the moment Ford wanted Han Solo to die and be done with Star Wars forever at more than one point during this special. (It would take him over 30 years but he finally got his wish this past year. You’re finally free, buddy.)

Best Actress

Taryn Manning in Crossroads

Ken: Bet you wouldn’t have guessed that the Best Actress award was going to be coming from a teen girl road trip movie.  Well that’s because Taryn’s character’s plot wasn’t from a teen girl road trip movie… And man did she bring acting to the role.  She did a good enough job I kinda got uncomfortable with everyone else having “wrong” plots in her deep dark story and just getting in the way with their dreams of being famous singers. 

On top of that… We also got to meet her at Comic Con this year!  A BMN first!  I’ll let Tyler tell the amazing story of the meeting that occurred though.

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Tyler: Partially just picking Ms. Manning due to the story Ken and I have involving her, but she is honestly great in this movie…with the material she is given and it is admittedly bad material, yes, but she is able to make mountains out of molehills.

The gist is: we met Manning at the Wizard Con in Tulsa and asked her about an aspect of the movie that bugged us, namely was Britney Spears originally supposed to have her part. (In the movie, Manning plays a woman who dreams of becoming a singer but is suffering from a little condition called being the victim of date rape and carrying an unborn child that is the product of said date rape. Conversely Spears is a shy bookworm that shows no interest in being a singer at the beginning of the film but hijacks Manning’s character’s goals about half-way through during a karaoke contest. Our theory was the two characters were originally one or that Manning’s character was the lead with Spears wanting the meatier part and her manager(s) saying no due to her squeaky clean virgin image at the time.)

Manning was very nice, but said she wasn’t sure because she came on after Spears and then told as a HUGE bombshell regarding Spears that we swore not to reveal.

So long story short: Taryn Manning is cool and I’m mainly awarding her because she humored us and answered a question about a movie she probably hasn’t thought about in over a decade.

Best Scene

Ken: Excercise-ing the Demon in Ninja III: The Domination

In my mind this is the moment that best sums up BMN for the year.

Basically the lady who is being possessed by the soul of a dead ninja throughout this movie is starting to figure out what is going on, and decides she needs to do something to keep the soul of the ninja which is stored in a sword from possessing her.  And what would any cardio teacher / telephone repair woman do to stop just such a possession?  Why… DANCE THE DEMON AWAY OF COURSE!!! Not even joking, she turns on a boom box and starts just rocking out.  And it starts to work!  That’s the crazy thing!  But then the sword / ninja floats out of the closest (string work visible by the way) and does something I love for characters do when presented with crazy situations… React rationally!  The sword just freaks out and starts chopping up the boom box thereby stopping the “exercise”-ism.  It’s so perfect.

The terrible effects, the insane concept that sets this off, the solution that the protagonist comes up with, the fact that it starts working, and the way that it all just… insanely plays out.  Its perfect.  It’s just… It’s just perfect.  The way the sword / demon is just like… “NOPE!  NON O THAT!”

Tyler: “Man, he must be smokin’ some heavy doobies.” from Hard Ticket to Hawaii 

I think I’m just going to let this scene speak for itself. Like, what else could I possibly add to it? I don’t want to spoil anything for the unsuspecting. Just watch it.

This is why movies were invented.

Best Hero

Ken: Sherman “Preacher” Dudley from Deep Blue Sea

The Cook on the Super Smart Shark Station named Preacher was one of the truest “bluest” (eeeeehhhhhh) heros we saw all year.  He was only there to deal with his inner demons, and blow up any sharks who were hurting his friends.  Or even acquaintances.  Did you see what he did for Scoggins!?! Preacher is the kind of hero that I working on my underwater lab team any day.

Tyler: Brice from Temptation: Confessions of Marriage Counselor

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 Damn you, Tyler Perry.  You made me care about one of your characters. I mean it was technically due to the process of elimination in that none of the other characters were actually likable…but damn you nonetheless.

Brice is the neglectful husband of the titular marriage counselor who is (SPOILERS) tempted into an extramarital affair…you consider forgetting your wife’s birthday two years in a row (due to being tired from work) and not sticking up to a gang hitting on your wife (and instead simply ushering your loudmouth wife away from the situation, you know, like a pussy) neglectful.

The reason he is here is simply because he managed to do the unthinkable and make me quasi-care about a character in a Tyler Perry film by the simple fact of not being awful or annoying….looking at you, Kim Kardashian.

Also, due to his heroism, I can now run down the streets screaming, “JUDITH!!!! JUDITH!!!!” and at least one other person will find it hilarious.

Best Villain

Doctor Doom from Fantastic Four (1994)

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Ken: I’ve been aware of Doom for a long time.  I knew his suit was pretty cool.  I knew he fought the Fantastic Four which was pretty cool.  But oh Joseph Culp… you sir brought the man to life!  Dr. Doom has since become one of my favorite characters in comics over the past year.  I’ve starting looking for trade paperbacks everytime I’m in comic book shops staring the masked “villain”.  I seriously considered buying a like $350 special edition collection of them at comic con.  The one where the Panther God of Wakanda deems Doom to be worthy of rule and beyond is one of my most prized possessions!   

Tyler: This movie gets a lot of hate but given the status of the other 3 Fantastic Four films, I daresay this is perhaps the best of the lot, at least in terms of actually capturing what a Fantastic Four film should be. (Don’t get me wrong: it is terrible, but it so earnest that you can’t help but pat it on the head for trying so damn hard with such a little budget.) Without question however it showcases the best cinematic iteration of Doctor Doom we have yet to see. Hell, he even looks like Doctor Doom is supposed to look which you wouldn’t think would be that hard to pull off…

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Actor Joseph Culp clearly took some pages out of the “Jeremy Irons’ Book of Over-Acting” because he goes big here because the material honestly calls for it.

He is an utter joy to watch bring it because he not only brings it; he brought it, took some pictures, took a nap and went back.

Worst Sex Scene

Ken: Puppet sex scene in The Item

 This category was a lot harder to pick than it should have been… Like, seriously.  Why were there so many terrible terrible sex scenes this year?  But out of all of them… this one takes the cake.  It’s literally a lady pretending to have sex with a puppet.  This one is the only one that had me weirded out, confused, angry, and feeling sorry for the actress involved in the filming all at once.  The other scenes managed to do one or two of those at a time sure, but not all four at once.

Tyler: Sexy, seizure pool side attack in Showgirls 

Not including a clip as it would obviously be not safe for work BUT I can describe what the sex scene in question looks like as it will haunt my dreams forever.

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This was my face while watching said scene.

Okay the set up is our lead, Nomi, is out to seduce Zack, the entertainment director at the Los Vegas hotel where Nomi works as a (you guessed it) showgirl. And what better way to consummate a relationship than with some fun times in a ridiculously over-sized swimming pool complete with waterfall? Spoilers: THERE ISN’T ONE.

Anyway, the sexy times begin with some…well….let’s say mouth presents delivered under the water (which is completely impractical) which leads into what can really only be described as a nude seizure on Zack’s (played by the Mayor of Portlandia himself, Kyle MacLachlan) chest. Not his lap…HIS CHEST. Now I’m no expert, but I don’t think intercourse works that way. MacLachlan looks appropriately concerned about the woman “performing” and it really makes you wonder what direction both actors received. Was director Paul Verhoeven just like, “I vant you to prutend uz if you are being stung by bees, Elizabeth [Berkley], und ze only vay to make them stop is to splash ze vater like a mad voman! Kyle, I vant you to have to do NUTHING. You are helpless. Now….ACTION.”

Worst “Sexy” Movie

Ken: Malibu Spring Break

This one falls into the bin of bad movies that are just terrible because they are boring, something I can not often forgive.  It’s just a cash grab of swimsuits that they hoped people would go see cause it had “Spring Break” in the name.  Nothing interesting happened, and it was overall a very unfun time.

Tyler: Color of Night 

This was a time in which psychiatry must have become a “sexy profession.” This is one of those countless erotic thrillers that came out in the wake of Basic Instinct and were universally terrible. Color of Night does nothing to really break the mold but at least its so terrible its hilarious although I could have done without seeing Bruce Willis’ penis. Once again…

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I didn’t need to see Bruce Willis’ little Willis. I don’t think anyone did. Was there a high demand or something in the early 90’s for Bruno’s penis to be revealed to the world? I highly doubt it and those that did should not be appeased, Hollywood!

We get one of many “iconic” twists in which a gender “twist” is revealed near the end of the film.

I can give this movie one undeniable positive however and that is of course its perfect implementation of the classic “rattlesnake in the mailbox” routine, that Ken will cover in a moment.

Movie most clearly written on drugs

Zardoz 

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Ken: This one is kinda an easy one… yeah, some of the other movies are crazy.  I WISH I could put Double Down here, but who even knows what was going on with that movie, I think drugs might have helped that movie be more coherent.  But Zardoz… Watching the movie is a trip enough.  It HAD to be written just doing piles and piles of drugs.  It was so on drug written that I’m still not really sure what the plot is.  Or how it ended.  All I know is that it was something that was definitely made and written during a very high drug usage time in Hollywood.  That being said… its a fascinating and unique movie.  I wouldn’t really recommend it to anyone… but also… I’ve never seen anything quite like it which is something REALLY unique now days, so I kind of would?   

Tyler: It’s not a question of whether or not everyone involved with this movie was on drugs. Oh no. It’s a question of where they were able to get so many and consume so much in such a short amount of time.

Director/writer John Boorman was attached to a cinematic adaptation of the Lord of the Rings before this. Once that fell through, he presumably smoked/ate a ton of -insert every hallucinogen you can think of here-  and went right into making this veritable circus of strange that is this movie.

I can’t really do the plot justice because otherwise we’d be here for…letmethink…hours. Suffice to say, I doubt Sean Connery looks back on this particular entry in his career very fondly, if only for the diaper they made him wear for it.

Most Pointless Nudity

Ken: Hard Ticket to Hawaii 

Again, an easy one.  Five words:  “Thinking Hot-tub and Changing Scene”   These scenes are both exactly what they sound like.  A hot tub where the ladies got naked and provided some exposition and then got out of the hot tub, and a literal changing scene.  They actually paused some exposition to have this lady wordlessly change clothes.  There was unnecessary nudity in a lot of our films this year.  There was literally pointless nudity in this one.

Tyler: Changing in Hard Ticket to Hawaii NSFW

This is a specific scene that Ken mentioned above in which a woman takes her top off just to change. Literally. She changes clothes. Like maybe it’s her action uniform? I don’t think it is because she gets captured right after changing. Maybe I’m putting too much thought into this. This is the movie with the “Thinking Hot Tub” after all.

Needless to say this shameless pandering that makes men as a gender look pretty darn deplorable but given this is an Andy Sidaris picture, it comes as little surprise.

Worst Evil Plan

Ken: Crazy Fat Ethel 2 

An obese woman is in a mental home for murdering her family for food.  “I know!  Let’s extort some of her food to keep her quiet!” – Dumbest evil guy in the movie

“OF COURSE KEEPING FOOD FROM HER IS A BAD IDEA!!!!”-Angry and more invested than he should have been Ken as said dumb evil man gets stabbed.

Tyler: Preteen Iago plots her best friend’s downfall via the Internet in Cyberbully 

Let me preface this by stressing that I am not belittling any one’s experience with cyber bullying, depression, suicide or anything else of that nature. I’ve been there before and it hurts, but you know what also hurts? When ABC Family muddles up what could have been an actually powerful statement on the whole issue and instead opts for heavy-handed, angsty teen melodrama i.e. an ABC Family movie. Not only that but filled to the brim with unlikable characters, perhaps most of all the lead character we are supposed to at least empathize with.

The worst of these characters is our lead’s best friend. Like Shakespeare’s Iago, our villain comes in the form of a friend who creates a fake account and proceeds to fuck with her best friend’s head (a girl who is comedically ill-prepared for the Internet) by playing mind games through her online avatar. I believe her motivation was to push her friend into hanging out with her, and instead led to an attempted suicide. Oops.

Worst Goons

Ken: The catfish in Zaat 

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ALL YOU DID WAS AIR DROWN ON THE LAND!  GET IT TOGETHER SMART FISH!  Follow the lead of them super shark goons in Deep Blue Sea!

Tyler: Wrong Side of Town

No where has the bad good been showcased so vividly as it has in this classic.

I could probably speak about every type of good that appears (gangbangers, monster-men, etc) but let’s stick to our main bad guy’s elite squad of henchmen.

They fall for LITERALLY the oldest trick in the book (“Hey look over there!), and even can’t be counted on to make sure the man they’ve been sent to capture has died or not.

Best Ending

Pocket-rocket in Blood Debts

Ken: I had a whole thing saying why Beware! Children at Play had the best ending.  Multiple paragraphs.  It was a pretty good read.  But while trying to pick the next category I hit Blood Debts again.  It won me over with its insane simplicity.  The protagonist BLOWS UP the last villain WITH A PVC PIPE ROCKET LAUNCHER GUN HE HAD STASHED LITERALLY UP HIS SLEEVE that HADN’T BEEN ESTABLISHED BEFORE NOW and as the BLOWN UP GUY with the terrible special effects scatters across the screen WE GET A FREEZE FRAME EXPLAINING that he TURNED HIMSELF INTO THE AUTHORITIES as if that would make us sympathetic towards the guy as there is still BLOWN UP BITS OF DUDE FREEZE FRAMED ON THE SCREEN.  Yeah… Blood Debts wins.

Tyler: I can’t. Just watch.

Get out of here, The Searchers. You’re garbage, Casablanca. 

This is the greatest and most masterful final shot in cinematic history.

There is nothing left to say.

Most needlessly complicated plot

Ken: On The Line 

There are lots of dumb plots in this list… There is only one that is just NEEDLESSLY complicated.  IT’S LITERALLY NOT A MOVIE IF THE GUY IS LIKE “OH YEAH HERE IS MY NAME AND NUMBER.  CELL PHONES ARE DEFINITELY A THING IN THIS TIME PERIOD” Also even if you let that slide like 75% of the conflict isn’t actual conflict since HE KNOWS WHAT SHE LOOKS AND SOUNDS LIKE AND WOULD INSTANTLY KNOW IF IT WAS HER OR NOT THE MOMENT HE SAW OR HEARD HER.   Also note:  This is apparently the section of the reviewing where I tend to use capslock a lot.

Tyler: Gaining leverage in Battlefield Earth

Our main alien antagonists stage a prison escape of our smartest prisoner so we can learn what they’re favorite food is. The starving escapees, of course, go for the first food they can find which happens to be a rat which they eat raw. Conclusion: their all-time favorite food must obviously be raw rat. Therefore you now have immediate and powerful leverage in which to barter with your slaves, right?

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P.S. This whole little scheme takes about 10 to 15 minutes to unfold in the movie. Time well spent, guys, time well spent.

Best Action Scene

Ken: Ninja III: The Domination 

 Of course this one is gonna take some “best” categories since it won best overall.  But man the opening action sequence in Ninja III… Easily the most entertaining and amazing action scene of the year.  Non-stop action from the get go.  The Marine was a close second on that front, but it was over too quickly.  This one went on and on and on and on so much longer than anyone sane would think would be possible.

This is only the beginning segment of the scene.  Just wanted to give you a taste.  You should just watch the whole movie.  Also, it helps to remember that we had almost zero context when this started going.  I think the clip speaks for itself on why it should win this category.

IT ONLY GETS BETTER FROM HERE

HE TAKES ON A LITERAL ARMY OF COPS AFTER THIS

Tyler: Crazy Town in Gymkata 

If you are going to set up a village made up entirely of crazy people, you’d better deliver.

Rest assured: Crazy Town delivers, and once you witness you it, you may never be the same.

Craziest Kill

Ken: Cake Face in Low Blow 

There were plenty of crazy kills this year.  But the one that takes the… cake (ehhhhhhhhhh!  I’m on a roll!) is in Low Blow.  Most of the violence in this movie was your standard 80s cheese action violence.  Fun to watch and all, but nothing too crazy.  Looks like it hurts, nothing I want to emulate, but manageable.  And then suddenly… THE MAIN CHARACTER CURB STOMPS HIS WAY THROUGH A DUDES HEAD.  Shown on camera via a cake in the shape of the victim’s face.  Sure.  Its super fake looking.  I’ll admit that.  It was just so unsettling and out of the blue to have this level of violence introduced, and never show up again.

Lucky for you, I found a clip!  You can experience it too!  With extra slow mo added in!

Tyler: And boom goes the dynamite in Death Spa 

So this is a movie loaded with crazy death sequences, many of which make no sense. This is one of them…in fact… I daresay this is the best one. It made me physically stand up, walk of the room, reassess my life for a few minutes and then come back. I think this death scene changed my life for better or worse. Either way, I’ll never look at a mirror the same way.

Best Death Scene

Ken: R.I.P. Seth in Hard Ticket to Hawaii

When the main villain of this movie finally did die, boy was it epic.  He got stabbed, shot, bit, and finally bled out on the floor.  At the end of the scene everyone just felt bad for the guy because he just looked so tired and worn out.  He was so sad that they remembered to come back for him.  But man did he make his last few moments memorable.  ALSO THERE WAS A CRAZY THING THAT ALSO HAPPENED IN THIS SCENE THAT JUST MAKES THIS THE BEST DEATH SCENE.  I CAN’T SPOIL IT FOR YOU THOUGH.

Tyler: EVERYONE at the end of Beware! Children at Play 

I’m not a fan of children so seeing a bunch of them taken out in such ridiculously violent ways was just…well it was just the bees’ knees….I mean you may not have a great time if you actually have kids, but c’mon. Is there like any way any one at all could take this scene seriously? Like, at all?

These are just spectacular and must be seen to be believed. Don’t get me wrong: they are not really great on a purely technical level (they reflect the small budget Troma is known for) but at the seer fearlessness the filmmakers (Troma Films, so make of that what you will) showcase in the utter ridiculousness of some of these deaths…that I will remind you are those of children. I’ve never seen anything like it. Combined with how terrible the kid actors are, this sequence hits that wonderful sweet sport between utter ridiculousness and unintentional hilarity.

Note: before any one gets made, this is not an advocation for the murder of children. AT. ALL.

This is a movie in which the children in question are evil (let’s not get into that now), so please no angry letters.

Best Fight Scene

Ken: Gymkata 

“But Tyler and Ken!  You already did Best Action Scene!”

  Yeah… But we haven’t done best fight scene!  Action scenes can have stuff like crazy jumps, chases, and gunfights (all available in Ninja III!), while fight scene is mostly just punching.  Totally different you uncultured swines!  This one goes to Gymkata.  Our hero Olympic Gymnast turned warrior fights off an entire mob in crazy town (the actual name of the town!) on a Pommel Horse thankfully left in the middle of town for him!  I would say that that’s a crazy instance that couldn’t possibly happen but… thats crazy town for ya.

Editor’s Note: I consider this sequence to be more action as it involves more than fighting, but to each his or her own. No one is wrong when it comes to these movies….with the exception of the people who made them, of course.

Tyler: Van Damme and Rodman: Together at last in Double Team

Jean Claude Van Damme AND Dennis Rodman vs Mickey Rourke AND A TIGER in a Roman colosseum.

-exhales-

This is why cavemen painted on walls.

Then scene even ends with them all hiding behind a FUCKING COKE MACHINE for safety from a massive explosion just as a final cherry on top of this gooey, gooey sundae. Why do we even need to keep making movies any more after this? I have seen the promised land.

Most Insane Weapon

Ken: Color of Night 

Bet you thought I was gonna go with something like the Catfish line from Zaat, or the Demon Sword in Ninja III or the tiger from Double Team… WRONG MY DEAR READER!  Because the most insane weapon used in any BMN movie is…

(Again language warning in case you are reading this at work or something.)

Tyler: The pocket rocket from Blood Debts, obviously 

Like I said before…this is the best. Now, you may assume that this weapon (made out of what appears to be PVC pipe) is set up before hand.

Nope.

Not at all. It just appears for a few seconds. Just enough time to kill the main bad guy and usher the ending credits.

Now go watch that scene again above at best ending.

Most Uncomfortable Scene

Ken: Puppet sex scene in The Item 

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I really wanted to give this to something else… but in almost every other uncomfortable instance we were at least laughing about something.  This didn’t really work / happen with this one, but I’ve complained about it enough already, so moving on.

Tyler: That one-on-one basketball scene in Catwoman 

I was leaning toward any of the COUNTLESS uncomfortable sex scenes we’ve seen this past year. So I went for a scene that encapsulates all of those things that is also TECHNICALLY safe for work.

This is worse than that atrocious playground fight in the Ben Affleck Daredevil movie by like an obscene margin. Everything about it is wrong and I feel embarrassed for everyone involved.

Everything is just wrong with this scene on an almost finite level. Acting, editing, camerawork, music. Nothing is right. Nothing will ever be the same.

Best “It Broke Me” Moment

Ken: Theodore Rex 

These movies will wear you down.  I’ve built up quite the tolerance.  I’ve gotten to where I can sometimes call the shots before they occur, often more easily than I’m comfortable with.  But every once in awhile you find that moment in a movie where your brain just can’t process it anymore and it just kinda shuts down… for me this happened to the greatest effect in Theodore Rex.  This movie just wore me down and broke me.  I just accepted Theodore hitting on the lady trex while at work (I was honestly kinda happy it was another trex and not a human), I was less on board but accepted it when I found out she was the lady he was questioning about the dead trex from earlier in the movie, and again less so when he told her he would meet her at the funeral, and yet less so when he took her home FROM the funeral,  and even yet less so when he took her home FROM THE FUNERAL TO HIS OWN APARTMENT, but you know what. I’ve dealt with worse.  I could live with these insane plot beats.  I could process them and move on.  I didn’t like them, but I could live with it.

Then it happened.

He walked by her frozen body in the ark ready to be taken to the moon (or some other crazy thing) and brushed his hand against the glass and whispered “My Love…” WITH A DELIVERY LIKE THE ENTIRE MOVIE HAD BEEN ABOUT THEM FALLING WITH EACH OTHER.  NOT LIKE A DELIVERY OF HAVING MET HER 2 DAYS EARLIER WHEN HE INFORMED HER HER HUSBAND HAD DIED AND THEN TOOK HER HOME FROM THE LITERAL FUNERAL.  I just couldn’t.  I really couldn’t handle this new information.  I couldn’t find a way to process it for a few seconds.  When you watch these movies man… sometimes they just break you and cause your brain to shut down, and you just kinda have to take a second and reboot.  Theodore Rex did the best job of breaking me.   

Tyler: Pilot school for dummies in Battlefield Earth 

Every, single fucking scene in this movie could be a “It Broke Me” moment. From the 10-minute side-story of staging a prison escape just to learn what the “man animals” favorite food is for leverage, to the Learning Machine, to the “Friendly, neighborhood bartender,” it really takes a special brand of stupid for me to point to a single solitary scene. (Editor’s note: I’m not going to provide any context for any of those aforementioned sequences because I’d ultimately be driven insane by actually having to write down the words. You’ll just need to see the movie.)

I went for the man animal flight school because…well because of that description alone and the countless questions that come with it.

Most Insane Movie

Double Down

Ken: I gave my description of this movie before I saw this category.  I’m leaving it.  It’s true.  I can’t tell you the plot of this movie.  I can give you highlights, but I can’t give you a plot. It was literally so insane, even after having seen the movie, I don’t know what it was.  I found the best way to sum up the insanity of this movie in the following exchange that occurred when we started it though.

Shot of the sky.  Shot of the ocean.  Shot of the sky with Clouds.  Shot of a river.

Credit:  Neil Breen

“This is a long time for there to only be one credit listed so far…” – Me

*Starts laughing* – Tyler who had *some* prior knowledge about the movie beforehand

Shot of the sky and the sun.  Shot of the Mountains.  Shot of a guy driving a car.  Shot of the sky…

“You… You… You can’t have a movie with only one person in it can you?  You can’t do that in a movie!  That’s not a movie!” – Increasingly more worried and angry Patrick

*Starts laughing uncontrollably while a narrator starts talking* – Tyler

Now… It wasn’t QUITE that bad.  There was finally other people that he interacted and talked to.  But that was like 20 minutes into him just rambling about being the best at everything with shots of him wandering around with computers in the desert.  Literally the most insane movie I’ve seen to date.

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Tyler: I…well…I…man, it’s just….Double Down. Where the hell do I even begin because it’s…it’s just…a sandwich…no, this the movie…I think…do you smell purple…where am I…what am I…why am I….

It’s so insane that I can’t properly surmise why it is so insane or what it’s even about. That’s right. I’m not even sure what the plot was in this movie because at no point was I aware of what was actually happening. There were times where I couldn’t actively differentiate whether I was laughing or screaming.  It’s a movie you need to see to fully grasp my exacerbation, but at the same time never sit through. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Thinking about any particular scene opens you brain to a veritable wormhole of confusion, anger, frustration, hilarity and madness…AND THIS MAN HAS MADE OTHER MOVIES.

The whole movie is available for free on YouTube. For those brave/foolish enough to look into this Star Gate of a movie, I wish you luck. I wasn’t ready.

Best Original Song

“Deepest Bluest” by LL Cool J from Deep Blue Sea

Ken: This is another freebie from Tyler.  EVERYONE PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SO YOU CAN SO YOU CAN GET WHAT I’M REFERENCING WHEN I YELL MY HAT IS LIKE A SHARKS FIN

Tyler: Ah, the late 90’s/early 2000’s. What a time for film soundtracks. A time where a hit hip hop track could be dedicated solely to the plot of a film. I think this trend started with Will Smith’s “Men in Black” and reached conclusion with another, less successful Will Smith ditty.  Sure there are outliers that pop up here and there, but the movie novelty track is something that seems to have largely disappeared for the most part.

Like Smith, LL pulls double duty for this movie both as an actor and maestro behind the lead single of its soundtrack.

From what I can gather, this song is about LL’s transformation into one of the ocean’s most fearsome killers. (Which does not happen in the movie, I might add.) The music video reflects this….all while LL is being doused in what has to be a small oceans’s worth of water that I bet a lot state’s facing drought would like to get their hands on right about now. (TOPICAL HUMOR.)

Worst Special Effects

Ken: Jupiter Ascending 

….Nah, I’m just kidding lol.  That movie was friggin gorgeous Actual Winner is Shapeshifter – Most of the effects in this movie were done with a Mac laptop back in the 90s.  I know this because i don’t recognize a lot of them from windows movie maker a program I used when I was super bored back then, but you can tell most of the effects are done with a computer and amateur level software and since I’m not familiar with it, it must have been done on a Mac.    

Tyler: Man’s Best Friend 

For this scene alone, there is no contest, and boy I sure do feel bad for that cat.

Worst Twist

Ken: Villain’s brother being his son in Wrong Side of Town

 This was the most pointless and unsurprising twist.  When the movie started Tyler said “That’s his brother?  He looks young enough to be his son.”  Turns out he was right.  And the movie treated this as THE BIGGEST deal.   But… it didn’t really change anything.  I would pretty much treat someone losing their son on about the same emotional level as losing their brother… I’ll admit I’m not a Father so I don’t completely 100% understand the difference, but… Immediate Family is Immediate Family.  I suppose you can argue that losing a son is more tragic, bu losing a brother is also super tragic.  I didn’t feel ANYTHING was gained by adding this “twist” to the movie.

Tyler: Angela’s got it going on down south in Sleepaway Camp (NSFW)

Spoiler: Angela’s a dude.

What does that really amount to?

Nothing much beyond an unintentionally hilarious ending. I don’t think this movie was going for campy given the semi-serious tone consist throughout, but it certainly went to camp in like breakneck speed within a matter of seconds by the end. This ending is really the only truly memorable thing about the movie so it’s got that going for it at the very, very, VERY least.

M.V.P.

Ken:  Frank Stallone in everything

Frank-Stallone

Oh Frank.  Frank Frank Frank.  Star of Terror in Beverly Hills.  Supporting Actor in Hudson Hawk and Staying Alive.  Musical contributor in Staying Alive (so many songs!).  This man has to win M.V.P!  He IS most of the movies on bad movie night!  We’ve had people show up from time to time again, but man did Frank go out of his way to make sure he was going to become a household name.  That’s why I gotta give it to him.  

Tyler: Cannon Films

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It could only be Cannon. It’s a company that brought us so much joy this past year. Ninja III (the best film of the year), Masters of the UniverseEnter the Ninja and to a lesser extent The Apple, these guys knew…well they certainly knew how to get a lot of movies made in a very corrupt system.

Having recently seen Electric Boogaloo, a documentary about the company and its extravagant movie making process, I have a need deep-seated appreciated/hatred for the Go-Go Boys over at Golan and Globus. You can bet your bottom dollar that you’ll see more of the cinematic output reflected on our list come next year…presuming one of these things hasn’t finally killed us by that point. I’m keeping one eye open for you, Neil Breen.

Movie too good to be included on this list

Ken: Winter’s Tale

 I was gonna give this to Furious 7 with the honestly great send off to Paul Walker and an all around fun time, but Furious 7 was a “Fast and the Furious Movie.”  Winter’s Tale was… My Goodness was it dumb at times… Like a lot of times… But… there was something touching about the movie.  Everyone involved really cared about the production (except Will Smith who it really looks like was on set for two days tops).  It tried to teach you a nice lesson.  It cared… It ultimately fails, but how much it cares makes up for it.  This movie isn’t good by any means, but it’s not truly a bad movie night movie, it’s a different kind of bad than everything else is.

Tyler: Furious 7

This movie isn’t surprisingly good in the same way that John Wick was last year. Ever since these movies moved any sense of pretense and reality out of the window, they have only been getting better and better (in terms of their utter enjoyability.) Like these movies are so stupid, you can’t help but love them and they feature action so good that sifting through the slower scenes are never a chore.

It kind of irks me when people say these movies are stupid, sexist, etc because that informs me that there are people that are taking them way too seriously when it is quite evident that all involved (except maybe Vin Diesel) are not. They’re well made stupid consumer entertainment that doesn’t pander…well they pander in a way that is essentially harmless. While I understand the criticism, I think it’s important to recognize these movies are not meant to be serious entertainment, nor do they try to be. And the people that unironically like this films? Well we don’t really hear from them all that much, do we?

The seventh entry even includes a surprisingly poignant, and I daresay moving, tribute to the late Paul Walker.

Movie most likely written by aliens

From Justin to Kelly

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Ken: Again, as listed in the ratings, I did those before I saw all the categories.  We have a theory that an alien race is attempting to take over the earth by assimilating with us and trying to live among us, and they release a movie once every 5 years to test the waters.  Until it’s right, they push off the invasion, they can’t blend in just yet.  It was wrong during the From Justin to Kelly filming.  It has the very general concepts of humans down, such as we need to eat and drink and sleep, and that we have different personality types, and that we often seem to pair off with other humans.  Past that though… they get really off book really fast.  No one acts as a real human would at any point during the movie, they just fall within the generally correct category of human emotions and continue to move the plot forward.

Tyler: No but seriously, no being from the planet Earth that identifies as human could have possibly written this movie, right?

“You’re that girl from the beach, right?

“Yeah, but you can call me Kelly for short.”

It’s a movie that panders to the teen demographic in the absolute worst way. It was clearly scripted by someone who knows nothing about actual human teenagers. It’s utterly laughable how off base the entire affair is, and even more so when you get to the actual acting and music showcased therein.

You can almost picture the aliens from Independence Day all gathered around a typewriter, workshopping ideas and songs that will lead to their ultimate domination.

Best one-liner

Ken: “Forget the sandwich!” from Low Blow 

This won best one liner for me because not only was it an insane and out of the blue one liner… it was the second insane and out of the blue one liner delivered within 20 seconds!  Plus it was done right after a guy got murdered! Perfect insane one liner to wrap up and insane scene.

Tyler: “Everybody got AIDS and shit.” from Showgirls 

Someone make me a mug with this on it please. I feel like I say it every day now.

I can’t even really pinpoint why this is amazing. Maybe because it encompasses such a serious matter in such a crude and dismissive way, I can only be impressed. We may never know. I’m just happy it’s here and can never be taken from me.

Worst line of dialogue

Ken: “He came back for RETRIBUTION MAN!!! He came back for… FOR HIS HONOR!!!!” in Bear

 Overall this year wasn’t as painful as last year was with bad dialogue.  It was overall still really bad and poorly written, but it was more insane scenes this year, rather than just terrible lines.  Except for Bear.  Bear made an exception.  This is one of those worst lines of dialogue that incorporates bad writing, lazy storytelling, a crazy concept, and a terrible delivery all wrapped up into one worst line.  HE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEAR COMING BACK FOR RETRIBUTION AND THE BEAR’S HONOR JUST IN CASE THAT WASN’T CLEAR.

Tyler: “Thing about street fights? The street ALWAYS wins.” in Furious 7

Bet that sounded A LOT cooler in your head, didn’t it buddy?

Best love story

Ken: Louise and Brad in Teen Witch

It’s not often you see a love story where a couple overcomes the odds as well as these two do! The teen witch, manages to fall in love with the guy, even though she is worried that maybe he only loves her because of her magic spells! That is a kind of acceptance that not everyone finds in their relationships. That’s the kind of thing I would say MOST couples never get over. But not her! She struggles with it at the beginning of the story, but by the end of it, she has learned to forgive and move on with her life and love this guy even if he only loves her because her magic is forcing him to love her! She kinda hopes it’s cause he loves her for her… but if not, thats okay! The director did a great job by making sure that whether it was the magic or not wasn’t ever made clear, so the viewers can decide for themselves which version of true love she displayed! Acceptance, or magic!

Tyler: Tango and Cash in Tango and Cash 

Watching this movie, you legit think/expect/hope these two dudes to fuck each other. They give Sly a sister to try to keep him from fucking Kurt Russell from fucking but nothing will ever come between these two in my heart. It is a crime that we were denied a sequel in which the “will they/won’t they” question would be answered will never exist, and my sleepless nights plagued with “what ifs” must continue.

Alas, I will always have that high-five.

Best Halloween movie

Ken: Death Spa

I wanted to give this one to a certain possession movie, but I had to give it to Death Spa, because it was closer a halloween movie.  Murder! G-g-g-g-ghoooosts!  Spooky flashing lights!  Spooky basements!  Also possessions!  We watched some good halloween movies this year, but Death Spa managed to be the most Halloween-iy of them all.  Plus since it was in the 80s people were wearing crazy costumes the whole time anyways!

Tyler: Man’s Best Friend 

Let’s get this out of the way: yes, there is a dog on dog rape scene in this movie.

Take a couple of moments to process that.

….

I can wait don’t worry.

Yep…a dog-on-dog rape scene….AND IT’S PLAYED FOR LAUGHS. And that isn’t even the most insane thing that happens over the course of this movie’s runtime.

I believe this was supposed to be some kind of dark comedy (the evil dog in question pissed acid and murders more than one person) but something seems to have been lost in translation from the script to the final product. A lot of stuff is played straight, leaving a film that is tonally confused.

Best Christmas movie

Ken: The Christmas Shoes

We didn’t watch good Christmas movies this year… Santa with Muscles, believe it or not, wasn’t crazy enough.   It seemed to talk a lot of game, but it didn’t really bring it as much as it could have.  And then… The Star Wars Holiday Special and Santa Meets the Ice Cream Bunny were just TOO crazy.  To the point we were basically screaming “WHAT IS HAPPENING” for most of them.  Christmas Shoes brought us closest to a happy middle ground?  It had some pretty funny parts where a lot of solvable problems were issues in the movie.  Rob Lowe is basically confirmed as immortal in it.  It was certainly Christmas-y.  Its biggest fault was it tried to make us feel bad for making fun of it, but luckily the supporting cast did enough stupid stuff we couldn’t help ourselves and had to laugh at it anyways and ended up having a fairly good time.

Tyler: The Star Wars Holiday Special 

If you consider yourself a Star Wars fan, I feel like you need to bite the bullet and see this movie, if only for the fact that its a fascinating entry in the colorful history of the franchise.

If you avoid, it’s always going to be that thing looking over your shoulder. Sure, you may technically be better off having not seen it but you’ll also feel…incomplete.

Having now seen it, I can honestly say while, yes, it is terrible, it’s also not as terrible as the myths had me believe. If anything it’s more baffling than outright awful. I respectfully disagree with Ken’s assertion that you simply watch the highlight reel. This movie is an insanity crucible that must me faced by anyone that considers themselves a Star Wars fan. A word of caution though: you may not be the same after…let’s say the first 20 minutes of nothing but Wookie chatter…WITH NO SUBTITLES.

Movie I’d love to see reimagined as a play

Ken: Zaat 

I love the idea of this as a play.  The man turned fish attempting to turn other people into fish and using his army of smart fish to take over the surface world in play form is really funny to imagine.  Plus, in some cases, I think a play would be able to up the production value compared to the movie.  The image of the fish army being played by people in fish suits is amazing.  The same 4 locations being used over and over again isn’t a problem.  Seeing someone in a Zaat costume having to attempt to walk up and down those stairs all those times in one night is hilarious.  (I’d personally force the actor playing Zaat in their impossible to see in suit to be a different actor each and every night so no one could walk up them easily.)  I definitely think that this one has the most potential to be hilarious and a blast to watch in play form.

Tyler: Bear

I think this movie was originally intended to be a play as it primarily takes place in one location and only has 4 characters, not including the titular bear…and the bear’s friend/wife/husband/son/daughter. (Oh yeah there are two bears really….spoilers.)

Bear sucks, but it could be at least somewhat entertaining if the terrible story was hidden behind interesting stage design.

Depending on the budget, the bear(s) could be high quality puppets (similar to War Horse for example) or simply actors in cheap costumes.

Most deserving of a remake/sequel

Ken: Deep Blue Sea

There were a couple tempting ones on the list.  Wrong Side of Town, where it is just a hour-and-half movie of Batista and Rob Van Damme’s family having dinner together awkwardly and the daughter dealing with PTSD almost won it out.  But Deep Blue Sea for sure wins.  You can always make the sharks smarter, the ocean base deeper, and I want to see more of LL. Cool J and how he deals with the rest of his psychological demons.  Important stipulation for this one, the scientist lady accepts her role as the villain and goes full on mecha-robo scientist-symbiotically linked with a robo-smart shark.  AND MOST IMPORTANTLY WE COULD HOPEFULLY GET ANOTHER DEEP BLUE SEA SONG.

Tyler: Zaat 

Zaat-1971-movie-3

Zaat is a movie just begging for a remake. I mean how long has it been since we’ve been treated to a mad scientist turned evil catfish monster movie, you guys?

Best case scenario: Chris Lord and Phil Miller (21 Jump Street, The Lego Movie, Clone High, etc) take the lead on this remake and make something so much better than it ever should be that they elevate to a higher plane of consciousness to become immortal Elder Gods. This movie would be self-aware but not in an obnoxious way and instead would be a sincere homage to the C-list movies of yesteryear.

Funniest thing the other guy(s) said

Ken: “I wanna play the SMAORT GUY!” Tyler Talley during Tango and Cash 

This movie lead to Tyler doing one of his funniest behind the scenes voices for the year, and has become something we will pretty much break down and start yelling whenever we see anything Sylvester Stallone is in.  It started out with us talking about how it seemed like the creators of the movie had given Russel the “smart guy” role of one of the buddy cops in the movie, and then they got Stallone who said he would be in it, but didn’t want to play the dumb guy.  Even though the smart guy role was already given to Russell… So they just decided to have two smart guys.  Then we started talking about how crazy of a meeting that would be.  And that lead to imagining Stallone in the meeting.  Which lead to one of the funniest lines of dialogue uttered of Stallone just breaking down and yelling “I’m tired of playing dumb guys!  I wanna play the SMAORT GUY!!”

A close second was “I don’t think my character would be nice to this guy”   in a Seagal impression leading to a very funny bit about the director just being annoyed with dealing with Steven Seagal and getting fed up with explaining to him that while he knew what was going to happen because he read the script, his character would in fact not know any of the things that he appeared to know.  Tyler was on point with the impersonations this year.

Tyler: (Paraphrase) “Of course this its a bad idea. Why would you think taking food from a woman who has murdered people for stealing her food be a good idea?!” Ken Adams, during Crazy Fat Ethel II.

Simple. Concise. Insane. On-point.

Kudos, Mr. Adams. You got me.

Favorite plot hole/logic leap/unresolved plot point

Ken:  “Oh God!  We forgot to kill Seth!!!” in Hard Ticket to Hawaii 

The heroes forgot to finish off the main villain. Tyler and I had a lot of theories about what caused this chain of events to occur from the actor not being able to make it to set the first day of shooting, to the writers literally forgetting about him until after the scene had been shot.  Whatever it was, the way that this scene appears to be just shoe-horned in, and then how they just know where the villian has moved to immediately it definitely earns this award.  It really feels like this scene had to be added back in, and it’s still leaves a pretty decent plot hole.

Tyler: Non-violence = violence in Glimmer Man

Steven Seagal is the titular Glimmer Man, and like every Seagal “character” he has a penchant for violence. However, he sets himself apart by claiming to be non-violent.

Um…then the scene above happens. Oh he for sure hurts a lot of people but no killing. Then he kills like 5 or 6 dudes rather violently and then proceeds to kill more and more goons. According to behind the scenes accounts, the random appearance of non-violence was due to a Seagal mandate that required his character to not kill anyone…half-way though filming.

This leads to a confused miss-mash of a character that doesn’t really stick to his convictions…those convictions appear and disappearing about as fast as you can blink.

Lowest stakes

Ken: On The Line

An idiot who doesn’t give a girl he likes his phone number… doesn’t get her phone number.  End of movie.  Also I guesssss he technically might not be the head of a two person team at work?

Tyler: Teen Witch 

I don’t really know what the stakes were of Teen Witch. I included a butch of clips because this movie is utter garbage and I loved every second of it however.

I think the main problem was that our main heroine was afraid that the guy she liked only loved her for her popularity OR she because placed a spell on him. There is an issue revolving around her forgetting her best friend but that problem is LITERALLY dropped completely and left unresolved at the end of the film.

So I chose this not because they aren’t clear but because their nonexistent. At least there is always this…

 

Funniest moment

Ken: The “Conference Call” in Double Down

I mentioned earlier that wearing you down was a big part of these movies being hilarious.  This is the perfect example of it.  Double Down wore us down for the entirety of its existence.  Not at a single moment did it give us a break or make any kind of sense.  I’ll admit that led to some pretty funny moments, but overall it was definitely not worth it, I don’t think any of us have an intention of ever watching it again. But, one scene in particular towards the end of the movie just broke all three of us with how stupid it was, and it was the funniest thing ever.  The “Conference Call”.  This movie is essentially two hours of this guy just rambling on about how he is the best cyber hacker and bio-terrorist in the world and everyone has to do what he wants / work with him.  Like… 50% of the dialogue is about how he is the best at technology that has ever existed.  When it’s been at its most coherent, and closest to a movie, this is basically one of the only facts established.  And then this occurred and we just lost it.  Our “hero” gives a “Conference Call” between himself and the heads of three important government agencies (I think to warn them about the attack that he instigated?  But that’s besides the point…)  You may note I used a lot of quotations here.  THAT’S BECAUSE THIS SCENE IS HIM HOLDING THREE CELL PHONES AND TALKING INTO ALL THREE OF THEM AT ONCE.  THIS IS THE GREATEST HACKER OF ALL TIME.  AND THE BEST HE CAN COME UP WITH IS CALLING THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE ON THREE SEPARATE PHONES?!? YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SET UP AN ACTUAL CONFERENCE CALL!?!?  We were so worn down at this point, this insanity thrown into this insane movie broke all three of us at once.  We seriously just sat there laughing with it paused for like 5 minutes trying to get our brains screwed back on right.  I know it might not seem that funny in text form, but the combination of everything just made this incredibly stupid thing the funniest thing ever.  And bonus points, I can talk about the best part of this movie and ruin the punch line of it so you won’t be tempted to try it out.

I am glad for the “Excuse me…” *arm wipe* that will be able to make any of the three of us laugh at any time for the rest of our lives as well though… But it wasn’t the funniest scene.  It just gets way more mileage.    

Tyler: Literally trying to exercise a demon away in Ninja III: The Domination 

Ken covered this in detail earlier so I won’t keep yo.

Suffice to say: yes, it’s almost too perfect for words. The movie becomes almost self-aware to its own stupidity.

It’s the cinematic equivalent to Kanye West pulling the Will Ferrell soundbite from Blades of Glory to comment on the absurdity of his lyrics in “Ni**as in Paris.”

Our lead LITERALLY attempts to exercise a ninja ghost through the power of aerobics and is almost instantaneously stopped by the dead ninja’s haunted sword on a string that proceeds to slice the boombox playing music in half.

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2 thoughts on “Ken and Tyler’s 2015 Schlock-mas Spectacular Episode II – Confessions of a Talking Cat?! : The Domination

  1. Pingback: For better or worse, ‘Swiss Army Man’ the first wholly singular cinematic experience of 2016 | Sharks with Laserbeams

  2. Pingback: Ken, PATRICK and Tyler’s 2016 Schlockmas Spectacular Episode III: Boyz Evolution | Sharks with Laserbeams

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