Last year, my co-writer (formerly known as Ninja Hanso, Ken Adams) and I sat down and watched the 1998 Godzilla. Now this movie is a MASSIVE piece of shit. I mean I have a thick pair of nostalgia goggles when I think about it due to it being a regular staple of my childhood (as anything even slightly Godzilla related was) but even I can admit there are no redeeming qualities about…ALMOST. Ken and I had quite a lot of fun watching the this utter failure of a movie. This led to us watching Uwe Boll’s Lord of the Rings rip-off…er I mean masterpiece In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. It was considerably worse than Godzilla (trust me, it is possible) but still a lot of fun to make fun of. What led to this being a weekly get together for us was a special little movie called, No Holds Barred.
After this gem of a movie, we were hooked to the hilarity that comes from watching something so bad that it turns right back around to become good (if only because of the conversations that stem from them). Since July (I believe) we have been meeting almost weekly to watch a movie and laugh, yawn, and scream at some of the craziest cinematic scenes either of us have ever witnessed.
Given I don’t have the time (or the talent) to do the same kind of thing as redlettermedia’s series “Best of the Worst”, then again no other internet movie review is ever going to come close to the bar those guys have set for the format. We do need to issue a massive thanks to them for leading us to some of the best movies we watched as well.
Ken also included a handy-dandy worth watching guide for any of you that may be interested in watching some of these “classics.” I agree with most of his opinions. I’ve included trailers for all of the movies to aid in learning the plot for anyone that may not have seen the movie in question.
Worth – Definitely Watch
Meh – Up for debate. If you need to kill some time and maybe? Maybe Once?
Not – Stay away. We were sad after watching 😦
“THE CHOSEN 37”
No Holds Barred – Worth – Wrestling movie written and starred by Hulk Hogan. Watch it.
Congo – Not – Boring movie about getting a dumb gorilla back into the jungle
Fast and the Furious 6 – Worth – Super fun racing movie. There was a plot, but I had only seen the first one and wasn’t lost and I don’t think it really mattered.
Reindeer Games – Meh – Christmas Heist movie that came out in February and has no real reason to be a christmas movie. Danny Trejo is amazing in it and it has the best henchman ever.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale – Meh – Farmer must save his kingdom from bad guys.
In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds – Worth – A sleepy Dolph Lundgren needs money for his divorce and goes back in time to save a kingdom.
In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission – Not – Brick face from prison break steals the plot from 2 but is way more boring about it.
Maximum Overdrive – Meh – Stephen King decided he should make a movie out of his books and some trucks go crazy for some reason.
Simon Sez – Not – Watch Dennis Rodman try and be funny and an action actor. Actually don’t because Dane Cook is the worst and this movie was not fun.
Thunderstruck – Not – Kevin Durant tries the Space Jam tactics. It doesn’t work.
Godzilla (1998) – Worth – A thrilling metaphorical piece studying the life and trials of single mother immigrants moving to the United States to raise their children
Sharknado 2: The Second One – Meh – You saw the first one and liked how it was bad? Well now we are trying to make it that way. Its… pretty bad.
Face/Off – Worth – The role of a life time where Nic Cage and John Travolta trade faces and attempt to be / stop terrorists.
Spice World – Not – A movie based on an idea by the Spice Girls (Literal movie credit).
Spawn – Not – Watch this guy have a cool cape and beat up bad CGI Effects
The Devil’s Advocate – Not – Sheer madness for a really long time. 0/10
Need for Speed – Meh – Jesse Pinkman in a Race Car. Not as fun as Fast and Furious, but there is some racing!
Anaconda – Worth – Time to kill some big ole snakes!!!
Doggie B – Not – Insane owners have their dogs perform in a dog and human dance contest.
The Octagon – Not – Chuck Norris got paid to say some stuff and beat up people. Very 80’s
Mortal Kombat – Meh – You liked the game so we made a movie! Fighting!
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation – Not – You liked the game and only kinda hated the movie! Fighting again!
A Talking Cat?!? – Worth – A rich person wanted to make a movie about their cat so they said it could talk. It is truly MAGICAL.
Night of the Creeps – Worth – Cabin in the Woods back in the day.
Monkey Shines – Not – Creepy monkey makes a dude creepy.
John Wick – Worth – Keanu Reeves goes on a rampage after Theon kills his puppy that was a gift from his recently deceased wife
A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2 – Not – Freddy is back! For the money! (With “minor” gay undertones.)
Dungeons & Dragons – Worth – You liked our game and all the lore right? Eh we will make a brand new place and throw in a references to the game at the end. Also you don’t need to see any paladins.
Princess Diaries 2: A Royal Engagement – Not – A princess versus a guy’s nephew for ownership of the throne!
Tammy and the T-Rex – Worth – A scientist decides that the best way to preserve human life for extended periods of time is to put their brain into a robot. Why wouldn’t he use a T-rex? Staring Paul Walker and an Animatronic T-rex and T-rex Gloves.
Deadly Prey – Worth – DANTON IS GONNA TAKE OUT THE MERCENARIES WHETER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE KIDNAPPED HIM
R.O.T.O.R. – Not – A robot cop is not programmed well just like the script / movie.
Santa Claus – Not – It came out first so its the best one. Santa teams up with his friend Merlin the Wizard fights against a demon for a good Christmas.
Elves – Not – Grizzly Adams teams up with some girl to fight nazis and elves. Not as entertaining as it should be. And we thought Monkey Shines was creepy.
Cyborg – Meh – Jean Claude Van Damm kicks pirates to save a cyborg to save the world
Samurai Cop – Worth -Samurai Cop is out to take down an evil gang at any costs with the help of his African American side kick and any lady friends he meets along the way.
Miami Connection – Worth – A musical band made up of taekwondo experts take out an evil ninja gang and a rival band to teach us all the only way to world peace is through non violence.
THE BEST OF THE WORST
THE MOVIE TOO GOOD TO BE INCLUDED IN THIS SERIES:
Tyler: John Wick
Sorry about this one, guys. This movie was absolutely fantastic. Nothing against Keanu Reeves, but outside of the first Matrix and Bill and Ted, he hasn’t got the filmography (especially at this point in his career) that screams “I am pick parts carefully.” Don’t get me wrong. I love the guy, and I hope this movie gives him the push he deserves to be in bigger movies again that aren’t 47 Ronin or The Day the Earth Stood Still. To me, he has always been an underrated “so bad he’s great” actor. He seems to always bring too little to any given part. Almost like the antithesis of Nic Cage. Low and behold, this movie comes out and turns out to be the best non-Raid action movie of the year. I honestly wish I had had the chance to write a full review. Suffice to say: this was a flat-out fun movie. It harkens back to a time where action was action; not overly edited, CGI-heavy migraines. The action is clear, at times over-the-top but never so overblown that you are taken out of the movie. Not only that but the story is compelling and the the cast is made up of solid performances all-around, even from Reeves himself.
Ken: John Wick
Woops, our bad. Overall just a fun and good movie. Should not be on the list. Though from the plot description you could see how we thought it should be going in.
Tyler: Samurai Cop
Step aside, The Room. Fly away, Birdemic. This is the movie that all other bad movies must pay tribute. I know I am fairly late to the party in terms of recognizing this as a legendarily bad, but as a wise man once said, “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” Or was it better late than never? Now I am a firm believer in the magic of this movie, and will spread its gospel across the land. In all honesty, it’s hard for me not to give this movie every award on this list. It fits every category.
Ken: A Talking Cat!?!
I haven’t seen a movie that quite capture’s so Bad it’s good quite like A Talking Cat?!? (exclamation / question marks are in the title by the way. You have to yell the title out in surprise anytime you are talking about it.) As far as I can tell, a rich person really liked their cat and decided they were going to make a movie about it. Its amazing. You can tell the movie has heart, the actors all want to use this chance to break out, and its still just utter garbage. The story is hilariously bad, the shots are bad enough I can tell that there is an issue with how it is filmed and I don’t have the slightest idea on how to film a proper movie, and its just a grand old time. I would really recommend this to everyone just because its really fun, and fully intend to punish some of my friends with it whenever they can’t decide what they want to watch over at my apartment.
Tyler: Sharknado 2: The Second One
This movie represents the absolute worst thing about bad movies and that is a bad movie that is self-aware. What makes bad movies fun to watch is that at their heart, they are trying to be good movies. The Asylum (the production company behind this, and a lot of other cynical cash grabs like Atlantic Rim and Titanic 2) make bad movies that lack the soul that makes a true bad movie. From pointless cameos to wink-wink acting, this movie was trying way too hard and came off as just obnoxious. Give me something honestly terrible over this soulless garbage any day.
I can forgive bad plot, actors, and no budget, but a movie needs to at least be entertaining. So little happened in Congo that I was just kinda sad I had given it my time when it was over. Though I must admit the climax was a lot more exciting than I was expecting.
Tyler: Matt Hannon as Joe Marshall in Samurai Cop
I almost gave this to Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred, but Hannon’s clear disinterest in the movie he was in just won me over completely. There is a fine line between making a bored performance funny and making it…well, boring. An example of boring acting look no further than Dolph Lundgren in In the Name of the King 2. (Or ANYONE in In the Name of King 2 and 3) Hannon’s acting isn’t just bored though. It’s anger stemming from what I can only assume is a lack of direction, script, or anything resembling competent filmmaking. However it isn’t like he is the greatest actor to walk the Earth so this truly is a perfect mixture of terrible actor and terrible direction.
Ken: Jeremy Irons as Mage Profion in Dungeons & Dragons
Profion knew exactly what he was doing. He knew how awful the movie he was in was and it almost seems like after he realized the kind of stuff he got away with in the first half of the movie he decided he was just going to have fun with it. The guy was at 11 throughout the entire movie. He was the most entertaining actor I had seen in anything we had watched, if only because he was having as much fun as we were.
Tyler: Victoria Beckham as Posh Spice in Spice World
You’d be hard pressed to find someone in any of these movies that seemed less interested in being in a movie than Posh Spice. I know next to nothing about the Spice Girls and there respective personas, but was Posh’s go-to emotion utter contempt for everything? You could probably count the scenes that she “tries” to emote or act like a human being on one hand. Still, she has her charms in being the most unlikeable of the bunch and became one of the only things I could actually find amusement in a movie that I absolutely the opposite demographic for.
Ken: Thora Birch as The Empress in Dungeons & Dragons
To be honest, I don’t think this actress would have scored the spot if it weren’t for being across from Mr. Irons in the movie. BUT Tyler and I had a conversation about how all acting coaches / teaches only needed one scene between her and Profion to show ever single thing you could possibly do as a bad actor. Her underacting and delivery in addition to apparently forgetting some of her lines while Jeremy Irons is yelling like a madman in the same scene locked in her spot here and as one of my favorite scenes of the year.
Tyler: Mateo in Anaconda
Technically not a hero, but not really a villain either. Mateo’s overall point in the plot of this movie isn’t really ever made clear, but one thing is for certain: he will be missed. MAAAATTTTEOOOOO!!!!! Poor, sweet, glistening Mateo.
Ken: Nic Cage as John Travolta as Nic Cage in Face-Off
Nic Cage and John Travolta are both actors people get excited to see because they are so entertaining to watch. Now imagine having Nic Cage acting as he thinks John Travolta would try and act if he was acting as Nic Cage as a cop hunting down a terrorist, and you can see why I selected him for best hero. To be honest he even did a decent job of selling the family man stuff, but the real joy was just experiencing one of Nic Cage’s most bizarre and amazing roles. And that is saying something.
Tyler: Mage Profion in Dungeons & Dragons
It’s rare to see a villain so in love with the idea of being evil. In this “things need to be morally grey” modern age of movie-making, mustache twirling evil-doers have been cast aside, now considered to be cartoonish. This is in no way a bad thing as I am all for complex villains, but it doesn’t necessary mean that simple black-and-white bad guys do not have a place either. It certainly refreshing to see one here and there…especially in a movie that is bad beyond the point of redemption. Enter Mage Profion. He doesn’t just love being evil. It turns him on. Profion makes the Emperor from Star Wars look toned down by comparison. His likability is greatly enhanced by actor Jeremy Irons full awareness of being in such a piece of shit and going all out with his performance.
Ken: The King in In the Name of the King 2
This King was just out to have a good time and be evil. I almost went with his puppet predecessor in the first In the Name of the King series, but being able to follow his story throughout the whole movie made me like him just a little bit more. The scene where is just enjoying his power over his servants exemplifies his sheer entertainment value so well. You didn’t want him to win, but you were glad he was along for the ride.
Tyler: New Line Cinema
Not a person, but holy shit, this logo show up before quite a few of the worst movies we saw. Hard to imagine the same studio that brought us The Lord of the Rings trilogy would also give us Dungeons & Dragons just one year before they released The Fellowship of the Ring.
Ken: Net Ninja from The Octagon
This ninja is THE henchman you want on your team. None of this, “I thought the other guys had it handled. It looked like the guy was unconcious. OH NO THE GOOD GUY ISN’T DEALT WITH” shenannigans from this guy. He knew he had a job to do and he was ready to do it to its FULLEST. The man is not afraid of overkill.
BEST “WTF” MOMENT
Tyler: Lomax’s suicide in The Devil’s Advocate
I…I just don’t know. Things just keep happening in this scene at a rate in which you are not given the appropriate amount of time to react before something new happens. All of this cumulates with the most infuriating twist in any of these movies. It wouldn’t have been as bad had the movie not been 2-and-a-half fucking hours!
Ken: I’m guessing tyler wrote about the ending scene. That was just bananas, but then.. someone decided it was a good idea to make most of the movie not have actually happened… I just… I can’t imagine a world where a meeting could have happened and some people were like “Yeah. Yeah this is a good idea.”
BEST “IT BROKE ME” MOMENT
Tyler: Kevin Durant gets his powers back in Thunderstruck
It’s safe to say that other than movies trying to be bad, my least favorite kind of shitty movie is a lazy kids movie. Thunderstruck is a text book example of this. The defining moment for me was near the end when Kevin Durant and the lead kid (I don’t remember his name nor do I care to) discover how to give Durant his powers back after the kid inadvertently stole them…because you know, basketball talent is a tangible object you can physically steal from another person. Just look at Space Jam. Basically all they needed to do was do was recreate the exact same situation in which Durant lost his powers. I have a tendency to hit my head against the wall when something baffles me during these movies. I actually hurt myself during this.
Ken: The Kitchen Scene from Elves
Btw. I called the Thunderstruck stuff. For me the most “WHAT?!? HOW DO YOU GUYS THINK THIS IS OKAY?” moment happened in Elves. The “protagonist” (I suppose) interrupts a professors christmas dinner and literally says “Tell me everything you know about the nazis and the elves.” AND THE MAN HAS A CONVERSATION WITH HIM. ABOUT NAZIS AND ELVES. AND HOW THE ELVES ARE THE WAY THEY PLANNED TO ACCOMPLISH THEIR MASTER RACE PLAN. IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN. DURING CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER. I knew he movie was in trouble before this, but afterwards I knew it was on an unredeemable path. And boy was I right.
MOST ANGER-INDUCING MOMENT
Tyler: Dane Cook WON’T. SHUT. UP. in Simon Sez
This movie in-and-of itself was just an aneurism waiting to happen. Dane Cook was just the annoying cherry on top. How any of the higher ups watching this and thought, “That’s funny. More of that.” must have been laid off.
Ken: The “twist” from Reindeer Games
I won’t lie, still thinking about this makes me angry. I really really really love it when a story does something clever and goes in a way that I wasn’t expecting. Apparently I really really really HATE when they do this by LYING TO THE VIEWERS. Witholding information isn’t clever! If you don’t tell the audience things, you can’t be proud of how they didn’t figure out your twist! It wouldn’t have been so bad if you couldn’t feel how smug and pleased with themselves the writers and director felt with the movie.
Tyler: “It’s Miller Time!” from Night of the Creeps
This movie was pretty fun. It wasn’t OVERLY complicated (beyond the use of aliens in the beginning that come out of nowhere and almost seem to be in the wrong film), never takes itself too seriously. and provides a quality practical gore effects. Up to this point, Ray Cameron (Tom Watkins) already had a catch phrase. He would say, “Thrill me,” whenever he wanted to be told the situation. Near the end of the film however he spits this line once and only once. It comes completely out of nowhere. Was there a Miller sponsorship we weren’t made privy to before this? Regardless, it is hilarious and awesome.
Ken: “My mom said when someone is sad you hug them.” from In the Name of the King 3
This was the worst line of anything we watched, both in content and delivery. Nothing was as lame and quite as uninspiring as this. Sappy lines delivered by a child actor attempting to do an accent to attempt to add “depth”.
Tyler: “Now that’s what I call girl power!” from Spice World
I thought we were actually going to get through this movie without hearing this sentence. It comes right after the Spice Girls’ friend (who isn’t in the band…for reasons never really made clear) has given birth to a baby girl. The reason I hate it so much stems from calling it almost 3-seconds before it was actually said.
Ken: “Tickle, Amy” from Congo
So… I didn’t mention this earlier. There were a lot of “jokes” in Congo about the trainer really loving the gorilla (Amy) in the movie, but they were not delivered well. It ended up getting a really creepy almost romantic subplot vibe. Me and Tyler thought that they were gonna try and make sure none of the audience thought that with a female lead that was in the movie, but this line was delivered right before the guy turns down the lady hitting on him to go spend time with the gorilla. Their plan did not work.
WORST VISUAL EFFECTS
Tyler: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Don’t get me wrong. I saw some of the worst effects imaginable over the past several weeks watching these movies. They ranged from terrible puppets to incompetent stunts. But most of them were required to advance the plot. Some worked with what they had which I ultimately respect, while the worst used effects frivolously without much thought or care. MK:A was without a doubt the worst offender in my opinion. Look no further than the concept of “animality” that it sets up lazily only to have make no difference whatsoever to the climax of the movie. It also looks like complete and utter shit.
Ken: Windows 95 Satan from Spawn
A few of the effects in Spawn were pretty decent. Then there was Windows 95 Satan. 100% looks like something some high school kids would put together for their home movie. Windows 95 Satan is the perfect way to describe them.
WORST EVIL PLAN
Tyler: Nazi rape experiments in Elves
Nazis conducted rape experiments with elves and humans in hopes of creating a master race.
Ken: Reindeer Games
Okay fine. “Rob a Casino”. Sounds like a great plan. “Rob a Casino during winter”. Well… Not quite as much. I would expect they have less cash then but whatever. “Rob a Casino during winter with an inside man” Bit better. “Rob a Casino in winter with an inside man who isn’t a part of the crew and we force to help out” Well that sounds kind of dangerous. What if he doesn’t want to help, why should he help you, I’m kinda thinking that you guys haven’t fully thought this through now… “Rob a Casino in winter with an inside man who we know for a fact isn’t the inside man he is pretending to be but is someone else” > : [ I’m done talking to you.
Tyler: The final battle of the wills in Monkey Shines
I guess it is a stretch to call this “cool,” but I certainly could watch all day.
Ken: Johnny Cage Autograph in Mortal Kombat
In a generally bad movie, this was one of the few moments that actually was entertaining for both me and Tyler. Johnny Cage is fighting Scorpion in hell (not really sure how he got there, but thats besides the point) and he finally finishes him off. As scorpion hits the ground a signed autograph of Johnny Cage falls and lands on his corpse. It was legitimately decently cool in a pretty funny way.
Tyler: Danton gets angry and then he gets revenge in Deadly Prey
Just watch the clip.
Ken: Hulk Hogan should be wanted for double homicide in No Holds Barred
This entire fight scene was just great. Good old school wrestling with some kicks off of ledges plus an added bonus of throwing a studio executive into exploding electrical systems? Yes please.
Tyler: T-Rex goes for the phone in Tammy and the T-Rex
I…I just can’t do it justice with words. Just watch the clip.
Ken: The mental sword fight in In the Name of the King
I guess the final sword fight in In the Name of the King? It was a kinda cool concept and they did it a decent way. I don’t really want to pick anything for this one. Hahahahaha
Tyler: Doggie B. Just all of Doggie B.
To even try to describe this movie is to look into the very face of insanity. The poster above has almost nothing to do with the actual movie with the exception of the dog on the right…who never wears a hat in the film but I digress. Ken and I thought this would be about a DJ dog. It wasn’t and still somehow turned out to be even more insane than I could have ever imagine.
Ken: The characters are immortal in Fast in the Furious 6
In The Fast and Furious 6 there is a scene where there is a tank. Its awesome. Its cool. There are explosions. Then Vin diesel sling shots himself off the tank to catch his love interest while it explodes in the background. He catches her and crashes into a car windshield. Little crazy but whatever. Then she says “What if that car hadn’t been there?”
… Well you would have died just like you should have WITH the car being there. My brain just couldn’t handle the fact that the movie was calling out such a stupid plot point and drawing further attention to it on purpose.
FUNNIEST THING THE OTHER GUY SAID WHILE WATCHING THESE MOVIES
Tyler: Ken screaming, “MAAAH BABIES!!!” during Godzilla.
This came right as Godzilla pops his head up to discover all of his babies have been murdered. It came out of nowhere and had me in tears. Thinking back to it makes be laugh to this day.
Ken: “It’s like if someone wrote Air Bud while dying of lead poisoning” about Doggie B.
LIterally the perfect description of Doggie B. You can not think of a better way to tell someone exactly what they expect when they start that movie, and in such a short fashion too. I’ve done my fair share of trying to explain to people what to expect (see above reviews) and its incredibly difficult a lot of the time. Just the way Tyler delivered this and how well it captured what was happening had me laughing for a solid 5 minutes straight.
MOST BORING MOVIE
Tyler: Need for Speed
You know you have a boring movie when your character are less interesting and engaging than those of the Fast and the Furious franchise you are trying oh so hard to rip-off…I mean emulate. The stunts were admirable but were clearly well below the budget of its mega-budgeted franchise competitor. Not to mention to the inconsistent to flat-offensive characters. I often found myself wishing we were watching a different movie throughout.
Nothing happened after the first 15 minutes of the movie until the last 5. There were a couple “action scenes”, but they were uninteresting and not at all tense. Not enough happened to ever make me care about the characters, and it just wasn’t fun. I can forgive bad. I can’t forgive boring.
HARDEST I LAUGHED
Tyler: The letter-opening scene from Miami Connection
Over the past few months, I have cackled my fair share at so many awkward, bizarre, uncomfortable, poorly written scenes, but this scene, this FUCKING scene, had me floored for what felt like 10 minutes. It was the equivalent of looking into a wormhole of bad writing, bad acting, bad staging, and just about everything you could ever do wrong. All of this amalgamates into something that is honestly pure magic. Tears were streaming out of my face from the level of laughter I had to suppress during this scene.
Ken: Que T-Rex laughing in Tammy and the T-Rex
Tammy and the T-Rex had me laughing consistently throughout. There was just this beautiful magic of them trying to work with the tools that they had to get the movie done, and it was generally pretty hilarious. Good lord though nothing had me laughing quite like this though. First off they are at a funeral and the main character’s uncle makes a joke. Which is literally him admitting he is an alcoholic. Like… thats the joke. I found the fact that they decided to go that route humorous. Then everyone reacted like they would to a joke, which I found bizarre and humorous. Then they cut to the T-rex reacting. It was literally some guys off screen shaking the T-rex stand up and down with a really funny “Ah ha ha ha ha!” dubbed over it. It was too much. I just lost it.